anger + frustration = fill?

I need a fill like an addict needs a hit.

It is very hard to explain how I feel full now or how I know I'm eating too much. The feelings are now in my chest, in the upper part of my stomach. If I don't chew or take small enough bites, it hurts. A lot. And drinking water doesn't help the hurt. There's no way around it except chewing a lot and taking tiny bites. I know I'm eating too much if I want to eat more than half a cup of food for each meal. I'm starting to actually measure it now, and trying to keep a food diary. When you write every single thing you eat down, it's a shock at the end of the day. Even those days when you say, "oh! I've hardly eaten a thing...", if you were to be honest with yourself you might find you ate more than you admit. Eating one or two olives, taking a slice of cheese, even my very dear sugar-free popsicles (which I believe I am now addicted to, and I am not joking here) add up at the end of the day. Why do I have to take a slice of cheese? Why do I eat 7 or 8 olives? I should not be hungry at all.

I think part of it is I am still finding the right tightness for my band. And part of it is eating out of anxiety. Knowing I eat because I am anxious sometimes helps me control myself, and sometimes I realize it and keep eating anyway. Eating for me now is a very conscious act. I have to measure and chew each morsel, making a conscious decision whether to take the next bite or not. I don't want it to be this way, I want to just eat and enjoy and move on. No, I have to be conscious of everything, every little trigger that pushes me to eat one more bite when I shouldn't, and don't need it.

Some people ask me how much I have lost. Nothing. Zip. Except for the initial 14 lbs from being on a liquids only diet, nothing. So much sacrifice for nothing. I thought by now I would have lost 10 to 15 pounds more for sure. What angers me is their comments about how Sue or Joe got the bypass and lost 100 lbs right away. I am not Sue or Joe! I didn't want the gastric bypass! I wanted something healthier, not so extreme. Like I don't have enough pressure as it is, these people are annoying. They have no idea how hard I have worked to change my habits. I don't eat rice, I don't eat pasta, I don't eat potatoes except rarely. I eat salads now. I eat a fraction of what I used to. A FRACTION! And still, nothing. A and N eat normal food around me, dammit, I even cook it for them. Yes, I make rice and pasta and potatoes for them, yet I don't eat it. A serves himself three times sometimes, eats crap around me, hides muffins and chocolates and sweets from me, and yet I don't eat it. You would think seeing me go through what I have been through would motivate him to eat healthier, eat less, take care of himself for his health. If I die, he needs to take care of N, he needs to be healthy for that. He has no discipline, and it does affect me. Hiding it doesn't make it go away.

I have another fill scheduled for tomorrow. Maybe this will be the miracle fill. Maybe this one will work. Maybe?