Feels like a Setback

I am so anxious. I got a fill on Monday, less than 2 weeks apart from the previous one. And I'm so hungry. Not like before the surgery, but I am gripped with terror about gaining one ounce back. I also have this fear about winter. Winter is when everyone gains weight. But I refuse to succumb, not after I've experienced how well I feel. I will need to make another appointment, only this one will be in the hospital center instead of the doctor's office. After several months, they like to take a better look at the band by x-ray.

I know I have to start exercising regularly. I know I need something more than "shopping" as an exercise activity on the doctor's form. My resistance is purely psychological. I used to think of myself as the one on the sidelines with a cigarette and a drink, not the one actually doing exercise. But I know my time has come. That I must overcome the mental barriers to health. To recognize that there are no valid excuses. That people exercise in the heat, in the cold, in the mornings, at noon, in the afternoon, with kids, with dogs, when they're tired, when they're on vacation, on days off, on busy days, and so on. Think of an excuse and I will find a way around it. Except to actually do it. I can't find why. I have searched inwardly and don't know why I'm so resistant to it. Especially since eventually I will have to do something.

I think a part of me doesn't want to be seen as one of "those people." You know, those people who are uber healthy, pencil-thin, vegan, sip non-fat lattes, go hiking on the weekends with their yellow labs, eat an apple for lunch, take their kids to baby yoga in their expensive $800 Bugaboo strollers, you know what I mean. But who cares??? Who really cares what others think? As long as I'm healthy and happy, doesn't that trump whatever I think others are thinking? And what's wrong with being "those people" if that's what makes them happy? Who am I to judge? Is it a fear of being one of "those people" or is it a fear of NOT being able to be one of them? Do I fear an exclusivity that doesn't exist? Who knows!! I really don't have the answer to this one, but this is part of the purpose of writing here, to work things out in my mind as I write. You just have the privilege of evidencing my mental diarrhea...

This brings me to my one to-do item today. To check out a gym close to work. There is a discount for DoS employees. So here I go. No promises, just baby steps...