Of Deaths, Surgeries, and finding good in it all...

My grandmother passed away Wednesday, Jan 7, 2009. She was very very ill, and in hospice care at home. It was a long wait as my family watched her deteriorate and struggle in the last weeks. She was my father's mother, Ana Luisa Sanchez. She was very strong-willed, a pain in the ass really, and many times not so nice to people. She was especially rude to my own mother. How ironic that at the end, my grandma ended up having to be grateful, indebted, and dependent on my mother for such basic care such as food, baths, and wiping her ass. Such is family, imperfect, yet we are tied to them forever.

Any other time, I would have rushed to my family's side to provide support, strength, another point of view, just be there as family should. But Inaru's operation was the same day as the wake. Since my grandmother didn't want a funeral per se (I think she suspected people would just congregate and gossip about her), even a short wake was stretching her last wishes. She wanted to be cremated, so my family opted for a viewing of three hours only before cremation. This, I believed, was the best way to go, since it would allow the family some closure in seeing the body lifeless and still, giving the situation an air of finality, as well as provide some time for our extensive family to get together and see each other.

N's operation was a simple one, yet one I was waiting for 3 years. Almost since birth, she's had an umbilical hernia present. I just knew (from mother's instinct maybe?) that it would require surgery to correct, rather than close on its own. Every doctor and surgeon I saw said the same thing: we must wait until she is at least 3 years old to operate. Anything sooner would be an unnecessary risk to her, as well as the possibility for the hernia to re-herniate (is that a word?). So wait we must. She went summers without wearing short tops or bikinis, and everything I put on her was with the aim to diminish the appearance of the hernia. It was very noticeable even over the clothes. It did not bother her, she felt no pain or discomfort, although already at 2, the kids in daycare would point it out and wonder what the heck THAT was. Hernias are very common in children, 25% of all kids have them. Most seem to be hereditary. In fact, right around the same age, I also had a double inguinal hernia corrected. My brother had an umbilical hernia as well, but his closed on its own.

The surgery took about 30 minutes, and it was outpatient (back when I had mine it was not, I believe I stayed overnight). We left the hospital about 4:10 and by about 5:15 she was already asking for food and playing. Kids are incredibly resilient. I did not realize how anxious and expectant I was about getting this operation until everything was over. I am so happy to see N without that huge hideous "outie" belly button. I can't wait to take off the bandage on Sunday and see what the incision looks like. There was a moment in the hospital, after seeing her anesthesized and after getting a quick and anxious bite to eat, as we were walking hurriedly back through the long hallways in Children's National Medical Center in DC to wait for the outcome of the surgery, that I choked up. An honest-to-the-gods scrunch up of the face, an overwhelming emotion of "oh my god we are in the hospital and they are cutting up my little girl" that almost made my heart stop and almost made me grab Adal's arm in panic and fear. Almost. And then it was gone. I put on a brave face for Adal, because he needed it. And then, it was all over.

Because of the surgery, I wasn't able to go home for the short wake. I felt so frustrated to not be there. In the end, the surgery went excellent, Inaru reacted very well, my grandmother's funeral, although short, brought many family members and friends together as only a funeral or a wedding can, and everything worked itself out. I must be seeing the positive side of things lately, because according to my ticker (and my scale), I've lost a total of 70 lbs. I'm halfway there! 70 more to go!