I'm normal, now.
Which means I think I'm a normal size. I can go to almost any store now and find clothes that fit. Well, almost. I still don't see myself as normal, I see myself buying "normal people" sized clothes, almost like I'm an impostor. Like it's not meant for me. I spent so many years begging anything to fit. Now things fit, and it's a matter of finding what looks good.
The biggest change? There's nothing in my closet that fit me last year. Even my underwear are too big. I had to go buy underwear that fit. And pajamas. I had to buy pajamas, size M, SIZE M!!! Even the shoes from last year are too big.
But in my head, I still think I see people looking at me like I'm the "fat girl." It's like I keep waiting for the gig to be up, for the skinny suit to fall off and someone say, "Ha! Just joking! You don't get to be normal any more! Back to your old fat ass!"
I don't know what I see anymore in the mirror. It's like I've changed, but I haven't. Meh. I need a break from it all.
I suppose I'm being ungrateful by complaining. I mean, what a problem to have, all my clothes are too big. Poor me. But believe me, I've done miracles, MIRACLES, to keep myself together throughout this whole process. And keep everything together at home. It's not been easy, my friends. But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I'm here.
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3 comments:
I think it takes awhile for you to figure out who you are. As I haven't been following your blog for awhile (as I've been out solving my own problems!), I've not followed to see if you've seen a therapist, but I would certainly recommend it. Someone who specializes in these kind of things would be the coolest, but if you can't find someone in Northern VA, then probably a regular counselor would help. I've loved you for who you are inside; I think you've always been really awesome and an amazing and supportive friend. I bet your family and other close friends would say the same, but I know you weren't talking about us...you were talking about your own perspective and how you want to change how you see you. That's probably the most difficult hurdle, one that I often struggle with myself. It would make for a good reality show, right? I could just see it...we're secretly filmed...and then watch how others see us! Hmmm....I said it first!
You were always normal! That's why I like you so much. You're sane. You're down to earth. You're cool. It didn't matter what size you were because you are always beautiful, no matter what.
You were always normal! That's why I like you so much. You're sane. You're down to earth. You're cool. It didn't matter what size you were because you are always beautiful, no matter what.
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