Making the Decision

I couldn’t take it anymore. I made my decision today. I was probably the most depressed I had felt in the last 7-9 years. I had just learned I gained 10 lbs because of Christmas, and my sugar levels were not doing well. What really pushed me over the edge and depressed me so much started on December 31st. I needed a CPAP machine and mask to sleep. I had sleep apnea and was not breathing throughout the whole night. On the last day of 2007, I started using the sleep mask. I saw myself, age 32, needing a mask and machine to breathe at night. What else in my body would go wrong by age 40?

My 33rd birthday was the 16th, and I didn’t feel like celebrating. I didn’t want to see people, I didn’t want people to call me and wish me a happy birthday, I didn’t want to hear people ask me what cool plans I had. I had no plans. None. I had papers to write, it was the middle of the week, we both had work, and who would take care of N anyway?

Making the decision felt good; I felt like now I had something to plan. I got back on the website and learned the first step was probably to attend a seminar. I have no idea what they expected me to learn that was not already on the website, but I checked the calendar. There was one that same day. I thought to myself that this was a sign, it was a test of my resolve. If I could make it to that seminar, I could change my life.

Although I don’t usually do things so spontaneously, I decided to go that same night. By myself if I had to. I would have preferred company, but time was running out. So I drove out all the way to Reston.

What did I take away from the seminar? That it was a relatively simple procedure, the biggest obstacle was money. Once I wrapped my head around that fact, everything else surrounding the procedure was simple. I left wanting that procedure done right away. I remember being pissed at the medical profession in general for not suggesting this earlier. I mean, if I knew about this procedure, why didn’t other doctors know? If it was not for my insistence, I would not have made it this far! Did they really expect me to lose 150 lbs by walking 30 minutes every day and eating healthy??? Yes, I was pissed. I felt all this time I was being set up for failure…