Food and Freud

The psychology of overeating is that, well, it's never about JUST food. If you eat because you are anxious, why are you anxious? What causes your anxiety? And what can you do about it?

As you can see, I DID go to my first therapy session. And that's what I learned. Some of the causes of anxiety are deep and hidden under years and years of dust. Other causes are recent but just as damaging. I can't imagine anybody going through this whole bariatric process and not addressing their psychological needs. I saw an episode of "Work Out" last night on Bravo, and one of the trainers/masseuse is working one on one with a client that is trying to lose a considerable amount of weight. This (thin and muscular and good-looking) trainer goes to her house to see her in her environment, and ends up throwing out a huge garbage bag full of bad unhealthy food. He sits with her trying to make her understand that her overeating and bad habits are due to anxiety. She (the client) ends up crying and admitting her deep problems with self-esteem. She clearly needs some sort of therapy, and not from a fitness trainer/masseuse.

My therapist (wow! now I have a therapist!!) did not have a red leather couch. She DID have a yellow/creme suede couch and matching real leather chair. So I was close. Ironically, one of the things she has helped me with (in a week) was to better concentrate on school stuff. She suggested I conscientiously keep written To-Do lists and prioritize the items. This sounds stupid and basic, but it works for me. I always keep To-Do lists, but more in my head than on paper. Putting it down and seeing it written makes me want to cross it off. The day I came back from therapy I proposed to write one page of one final. I finished all 5 pages! The next day I proposed to answer one question (2 pages) of one final. I finished all three questions for a total of 6 pages IN ONE DAY! I wish I had started this therapy stuff a lot earlier in the school year, I could have been done with my thesis by now! But everything has its time. I was not ready to face my issues until I realized I had issues when I got the surgery. I would not have had the surgery unless I had gotten fed up with all my conditions, and that would not have happened if I had not been diagnosed with sleep apnea, which would not have happened if I had not gone to the doctor to complain about my headaches, etc etc etc.

I still feel like I wasted so many years of my life and my health. I know I'm being hard on myself, and I can't help it. If I don't have high expectations for myself, who will? Do I strive to be "perfect"? No, I strive to be happy. Sometimes I get happy when I feel a sense of achievement from doing something right.

As for the new fill status of my band, I'm still not happy. I still think I am eating too much. I'm eating about 1/2 to 3/4 cups of food each meal, and I'm still "grazing" between meals. Mostly I snack on slices of cheese and sugar-free popsicles (15 calories a pop!). I will be calling the doctor tomorrow to ask if this is normal or still too much. I also have my next therapist (I have a THERAPIST!) appointment tomorrow, I can't wait. Now I understand why so many people go to therapists, it DOES feel good. You feel a relief of pressure, relief from life weighing you down.

I can't wait to feel lighter because I will finally BE lighter...