It's a flurry of activity around me. Tomorrow is halloween, so N's costume has to be prepared, bagged, and ready to go to school. Fall photos came in as well, so a check needs to be written to pay for pics that our families will throw into a drawer somewhere. I have several important projects and taskers at work that are slowly spiralling into one big ball of wax. Next week there is a major meeting with colleagues and bosses that needs coordination, as well as wardrobe attention. I'm trying to plan something fun for this Saturday for A and I and several work friends, but I keep running into snags.
In the middle of all this, I'm hungry. I haven't felt this way in a while. It seems that the last loss of 8 lbs and the small fill of .2 cc combined to give me an unsatisfactorily small and insignificant tightening. So now I have to go back on Monday for another fill. These fill appts are not close, they imply driving 45 minutes one way, as well as taking off of work because appt hours are early. To tell you the truth, I'd rather go more often rather than risk being overfilled, like what happened to me not too long ago. That was a miserable week and a half. Of course, I am anxious because I am hungry (wow, what a change! It used to be I was hungry BECAUSE I was anxious...) and don't want to gain a single ounce back that I've already lost. I'm afraid of gaining any weight back. I've tried to think back and sincerely cannot remember the last time I was at this weight and size. I believe it was over 9 years ago, possibly 10.
13 or 14 years ago (wow, that long??) I was at a healthy weight. Curvy, but healthy. Several things happened that precipitated the gain, but mostly it was hormonal and medical. I always characterized it as a personal flaw, a faulty characteristic of my being, a demonstration of my imperfection. I always thought it was my fault. If I was a better person, more ambitious, less lazy I would be rewarded with thinness and by consequence, health. If I would only run 20 miles a day, I could attain wellness. How wrong to think that everything was my fault. How very wrong. And how dare people preach to me if I only did this or that I would be better off. How dare they.
I guess I have it easy. All I have to do is lose a little weight. But what about those people who have no compassion? Have no common sense? Those that are unkind, and prejudiced, and ignorant? What medical procedure exists to cure someone of stupid? What treatment is there for selfishness or self-importance? How do you make a fake pompous person better? There you have it. But in this society there is no greater evil than to be fat. No more undesirable trait than to be overweight. Missing an arm is better than having flab. We allow others to make fun of and say cruel things to obese people, but would consider it in bad taste to make fun of those with handicaps or special needs.
So far I have lost a total of 61 lbs from the beginning of the process. And to think I probably have about 80 lbs more to go to reach a healthy BMI. I'm sure I will be happy losing a lot less than 80 lbs. But maybe not. Maybe I will feel so close to my goal that I will continue to push for the last stretch. Right now, that moment feels so far away, although much closer than just 2 months ago.
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Casualmente, tengo una amiga que era gorda hasta que se tomó comouna inversión ir a weight watchers. Y rebajó. En estos días hablabamos de como ella no soporta las actitudes de los demas hacia la gordura. Y faltó que en nombre del amor hasta nuestros padres nos crean complejos con la gordura. Y aunque en el fondo están preocupados por nuestra salud, no saben tomar el camino correcto hacia señalarlo. Me encanta leer cada vez que escribes sobre esto. Sigue adelante. Esas 80 libras no te pueden parecer lejanas... en promedio deberían ser como 1 año mas, que eso versus todos los años de intentar sin lograr nada? eso mismo nada. Se que lo vas a lograr.
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