What a year.
I thought that being a leap year, 2008 would hold some auspicious power to become a great memorable year. Well, it was certainly memorable. It was the year I woke up.
I started living again in 2008. I decided to get the Lap Band operation. I lost close to 70 lbs. I found my mojo. I got a masters degree. I regained the confidence in my talents I lost so long ago. I remembered who I was. I bought clothes I liked. I started wearing heels, again. I achieved clarity of vision, and even more drive. I began my exorcism of personal demons.
Every light has a dark. 2008 saw my grandfather's death and my grandmother's serious health decline. It shed light on a rift between A and I. I realized how much I had to work on having the relationship with N I really wanted. And let's not even begin on how hard it was to follow the instructions for the lap band and that whole journey.
I have high hopes for 2009. Concretely, I have a goal of losing another 70 lbs. I will work on making exercise a part of my life. I want to establish a tighter and more trusting relationship with N. I want to have a better marriage with A. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say more often. I want to have more fun. I want to make more meaningful friendships.
I'm a little nervous about 2009, mainly because I bid on my next assignment in the fall. I have reached the limit on domestic assignments and must go overseas in 2010. I hope to make good choices, and more importantly, I hope the decision-makers don't screw me and do send me somewhere it will be fulfilling for me, for A, and for N.
Molon Labe is a greek phrase that means "Come and get it." That's what the Spartan King Leonidas told King Xerxes at the battle of Thermopylae, the famous battle "300."
So 2009, come and get it. I am definitely ready.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
N, 36 months later...
Happy Birthday N! Amor est vitae essentia!
This last weekend was N's B-day weekend. She turns 3 today. 3 years ago all of my priorities, attention, focus, and energy became directed to one little girl. One little screaming, writhing, pooping female Homo sapiens. I couldn't believe people did this all the time, have children and raise them and keep their sanity.
N, I'm learning I can't make you into something you are not. I can't mold you into what I want. Just like you could not turn me into something I am not. Separation starts at birth and grows constantly. I obsess whether every single thing I say to you, make you do, do with you, will harm you or enhance you. I'm still trying to find my way as a mom, trying to fight all harmful stereotypes that people have of perfect mothers. And I'll be honest, I resist it. Because I don't want to be defined as being someone's mom. I am who I am, who also happens to be a mom. We are not perfect. The faster you learn that I'm not, and that I make mistakes just like you, the less disappointments you'll get out of life. Yes, some mothers work, and enjoy what they do, and don't want to stop doing it because they have a baby. They feel they have to come first in order to provide the best emotional lessons they can to their children. Not that I wouldn't chop off my arm for you if I thought that would save you from some horrible experience. But shit happens. Learn to handle it the best way possible. Learn that making the best decisions help you make the most out of sour lemons.
You bring me surprises just like you bring me frustrations. There is not one day that passes that I don't think of something with you in it. Somedays I just want you to not be so difficult, other days I can't wait for you to put your head on my shoulder and give me kisses. Some days you are not nice at all, and those days I spend hours thinking where I went wrong, and what else I could do to teach you to be nice. But some days I'm proud that you don't take crap from anybody and if someone doesn't like you the way you are, tough, they can live with it.
The best part of this B-day weekend with you was sharing it together. You helped me pick out your cake, you chose your balloons, you told me who you wanted at your party. You were much more of an active participant, and guess what, you handled it beautifully. You have impeccable taste, and that comes from your mother...
I've made an effort to make your birthday a completely separate event from Christmas, hence saving you from the "Christmas-baby" curse. But truth is, it's a very chaotic time for me to coordinate everything from Thanksgiving, which every year brings lots of guests, different every year, to your birthday, Christmas, new year's, Three Kings (on Jan 6th), ending with my birthday on Jan 16th. I wish I could split it up and celebrate our birthdays in the summer, when it's warm and there's tons of things to do outside.
N, you're three now. I no longer have a baby, I have a preschooler. If I pass anything on to you before I die, I want you to understand this: you must enjoy life. Even the difficult times have their humor, in their own Murphymistic sort of way. You must cultivate your joie de vivre, because you naturally have it, genetically from me, in order to get the most benefit from this gift. And N, I will help you along the way...
This last weekend was N's B-day weekend. She turns 3 today. 3 years ago all of my priorities, attention, focus, and energy became directed to one little girl. One little screaming, writhing, pooping female Homo sapiens. I couldn't believe people did this all the time, have children and raise them and keep their sanity.
N, I'm learning I can't make you into something you are not. I can't mold you into what I want. Just like you could not turn me into something I am not. Separation starts at birth and grows constantly. I obsess whether every single thing I say to you, make you do, do with you, will harm you or enhance you. I'm still trying to find my way as a mom, trying to fight all harmful stereotypes that people have of perfect mothers. And I'll be honest, I resist it. Because I don't want to be defined as being someone's mom. I am who I am, who also happens to be a mom. We are not perfect. The faster you learn that I'm not, and that I make mistakes just like you, the less disappointments you'll get out of life. Yes, some mothers work, and enjoy what they do, and don't want to stop doing it because they have a baby. They feel they have to come first in order to provide the best emotional lessons they can to their children. Not that I wouldn't chop off my arm for you if I thought that would save you from some horrible experience. But shit happens. Learn to handle it the best way possible. Learn that making the best decisions help you make the most out of sour lemons.
You bring me surprises just like you bring me frustrations. There is not one day that passes that I don't think of something with you in it. Somedays I just want you to not be so difficult, other days I can't wait for you to put your head on my shoulder and give me kisses. Some days you are not nice at all, and those days I spend hours thinking where I went wrong, and what else I could do to teach you to be nice. But some days I'm proud that you don't take crap from anybody and if someone doesn't like you the way you are, tough, they can live with it.
The best part of this B-day weekend with you was sharing it together. You helped me pick out your cake, you chose your balloons, you told me who you wanted at your party. You were much more of an active participant, and guess what, you handled it beautifully. You have impeccable taste, and that comes from your mother...
I've made an effort to make your birthday a completely separate event from Christmas, hence saving you from the "Christmas-baby" curse. But truth is, it's a very chaotic time for me to coordinate everything from Thanksgiving, which every year brings lots of guests, different every year, to your birthday, Christmas, new year's, Three Kings (on Jan 6th), ending with my birthday on Jan 16th. I wish I could split it up and celebrate our birthdays in the summer, when it's warm and there's tons of things to do outside.
N, you're three now. I no longer have a baby, I have a preschooler. If I pass anything on to you before I die, I want you to understand this: you must enjoy life. Even the difficult times have their humor, in their own Murphymistic sort of way. You must cultivate your joie de vivre, because you naturally have it, genetically from me, in order to get the most benefit from this gift. And N, I will help you along the way...
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday, I'm in love...
...with Fridays. The possibilities of the weekend stretch before you. Shopping, friends, play, lazy mornings.
So many things to do this weekend! My thanksgiving plans include lots of people, as always, and there's always tons to do. On the list is getting bedding arrangements ready, decorating the fireplace mantle for Christmas for our annual Christmas shot, getting the Chrismas shot, organizing the basement and garage a bit for the influx of people, and firming up our menu.
I'm feeling a little better with the lapband. I think it's where it needs to be. There's still some discomfort with solid food but I think it will get better. I'm getting some heartburn, but Tums are helping. I'm hoping to see some normal loss in the next few weeks.
I hate to start anything new this time of year because there's no routine. I tried out a gym at one of the buildings in the area. The pros are that equipment is top notch, very few people use it, it has showers, and it's FREE. Cons: far, too difficult to use at lunchtime, can't do it everyday. But I WENT. I WORKED OUT. And I can't believe how well it felt. I hadn't tried exercising since I've lost the bulk of the weight, and I was surprised again by how empowered it made me feel. How exactly it is going to fit into my schedule I haven't quite figured out yet. I have some ideas, but this time of year everything is so crazy. Especially when I want to get N into some activities as well. It's just a crazy time and I doubt it will slow down until inauguration day in January. Still, a little chaos never hurt anybody :)...
So many things to do this weekend! My thanksgiving plans include lots of people, as always, and there's always tons to do. On the list is getting bedding arrangements ready, decorating the fireplace mantle for Christmas for our annual Christmas shot, getting the Chrismas shot, organizing the basement and garage a bit for the influx of people, and firming up our menu.
I'm feeling a little better with the lapband. I think it's where it needs to be. There's still some discomfort with solid food but I think it will get better. I'm getting some heartburn, but Tums are helping. I'm hoping to see some normal loss in the next few weeks.
I hate to start anything new this time of year because there's no routine. I tried out a gym at one of the buildings in the area. The pros are that equipment is top notch, very few people use it, it has showers, and it's FREE. Cons: far, too difficult to use at lunchtime, can't do it everyday. But I WENT. I WORKED OUT. And I can't believe how well it felt. I hadn't tried exercising since I've lost the bulk of the weight, and I was surprised again by how empowered it made me feel. How exactly it is going to fit into my schedule I haven't quite figured out yet. I have some ideas, but this time of year everything is so crazy. Especially when I want to get N into some activities as well. It's just a crazy time and I doubt it will slow down until inauguration day in January. Still, a little chaos never hurt anybody :)...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
With the holidays fast approaching...
Looking back at my last post, I have some updates to report. Almost two weeks after that post, I had to have an unfill. I woke up yesterday morning to get to work tired from not sleeping, gagging several times during the night, coughing, and the last straw, not being able to tolerate even water. These are all telltale signs that the LapBand is too tight. I have not eaten solid foods in about 2 to 3 days. So why was I okay two weeks ago, even blogging about how hungry I felt?
Sometimes when the band is just a little too tight, you're able to down liquids fine, but as you move to mushy foods and then solids, you start irritating a narrow opening. The more irritated, the more swelling, the more narrow it becomes. I'm sure what brought me over the edge was the edema (swelling) one gets prior to the monthly cycle. I must be very close to my ideal tightness, which makes it hard to tweak.
The doctor admitted to me he didn't really think I needed much tightening the last time I came in. Given the symptoms, he readily agreed to take a tinsy bit out, not too much to avoid having to come in too soon. His suggestion was to take it easy and stay on liquids a little bit longer until the edema and irritation goes down a bit, and then I should be okay.
On the up side, I was down 6 lbs from less than 2 weeks ago. This weight loss didn't feel so great because it was from starvation, rather than controlled intake. I would not be surprised if I gained a few back, which is fine, as I rather lose the weight in a healthy manner. Part of my fear of gaining the weight back (and my anal OCD with being tight enough) is that I typically gain about 5-10 lbs if not more around the holidays. In fact, last year, from November to January, is when I gained the last 10-15 lbs that really put me over the edge on my health.
Therefore, I feel the compulsive need to combat those bad eating habits that creep up this time of year when you're with friends and family. I checked out a gym close to work and I'm going to try it at lunch time. No promises, no long-term commitment, just trying it out. But I did buy a brand new pink gym bag... :)
Sometimes when the band is just a little too tight, you're able to down liquids fine, but as you move to mushy foods and then solids, you start irritating a narrow opening. The more irritated, the more swelling, the more narrow it becomes. I'm sure what brought me over the edge was the edema (swelling) one gets prior to the monthly cycle. I must be very close to my ideal tightness, which makes it hard to tweak.
The doctor admitted to me he didn't really think I needed much tightening the last time I came in. Given the symptoms, he readily agreed to take a tinsy bit out, not too much to avoid having to come in too soon. His suggestion was to take it easy and stay on liquids a little bit longer until the edema and irritation goes down a bit, and then I should be okay.
On the up side, I was down 6 lbs from less than 2 weeks ago. This weight loss didn't feel so great because it was from starvation, rather than controlled intake. I would not be surprised if I gained a few back, which is fine, as I rather lose the weight in a healthy manner. Part of my fear of gaining the weight back (and my anal OCD with being tight enough) is that I typically gain about 5-10 lbs if not more around the holidays. In fact, last year, from November to January, is when I gained the last 10-15 lbs that really put me over the edge on my health.
Therefore, I feel the compulsive need to combat those bad eating habits that creep up this time of year when you're with friends and family. I checked out a gym close to work and I'm going to try it at lunch time. No promises, no long-term commitment, just trying it out. But I did buy a brand new pink gym bag... :)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Feels like a Setback
I am so anxious. I got a fill on Monday, less than 2 weeks apart from the previous one. And I'm so hungry. Not like before the surgery, but I am gripped with terror about gaining one ounce back. I also have this fear about winter. Winter is when everyone gains weight. But I refuse to succumb, not after I've experienced how well I feel. I will need to make another appointment, only this one will be in the hospital center instead of the doctor's office. After several months, they like to take a better look at the band by x-ray.
I know I have to start exercising regularly. I know I need something more than "shopping" as an exercise activity on the doctor's form. My resistance is purely psychological. I used to think of myself as the one on the sidelines with a cigarette and a drink, not the one actually doing exercise. But I know my time has come. That I must overcome the mental barriers to health. To recognize that there are no valid excuses. That people exercise in the heat, in the cold, in the mornings, at noon, in the afternoon, with kids, with dogs, when they're tired, when they're on vacation, on days off, on busy days, and so on. Think of an excuse and I will find a way around it. Except to actually do it. I can't find why. I have searched inwardly and don't know why I'm so resistant to it. Especially since eventually I will have to do something.
I think a part of me doesn't want to be seen as one of "those people." You know, those people who are uber healthy, pencil-thin, vegan, sip non-fat lattes, go hiking on the weekends with their yellow labs, eat an apple for lunch, take their kids to baby yoga in their expensive $800 Bugaboo strollers, you know what I mean. But who cares??? Who really cares what others think? As long as I'm healthy and happy, doesn't that trump whatever I think others are thinking? And what's wrong with being "those people" if that's what makes them happy? Who am I to judge? Is it a fear of being one of "those people" or is it a fear of NOT being able to be one of them? Do I fear an exclusivity that doesn't exist? Who knows!! I really don't have the answer to this one, but this is part of the purpose of writing here, to work things out in my mind as I write. You just have the privilege of evidencing my mental diarrhea...
This brings me to my one to-do item today. To check out a gym close to work. There is a discount for DoS employees. So here I go. No promises, just baby steps...
I know I have to start exercising regularly. I know I need something more than "shopping" as an exercise activity on the doctor's form. My resistance is purely psychological. I used to think of myself as the one on the sidelines with a cigarette and a drink, not the one actually doing exercise. But I know my time has come. That I must overcome the mental barriers to health. To recognize that there are no valid excuses. That people exercise in the heat, in the cold, in the mornings, at noon, in the afternoon, with kids, with dogs, when they're tired, when they're on vacation, on days off, on busy days, and so on. Think of an excuse and I will find a way around it. Except to actually do it. I can't find why. I have searched inwardly and don't know why I'm so resistant to it. Especially since eventually I will have to do something.
I think a part of me doesn't want to be seen as one of "those people." You know, those people who are uber healthy, pencil-thin, vegan, sip non-fat lattes, go hiking on the weekends with their yellow labs, eat an apple for lunch, take their kids to baby yoga in their expensive $800 Bugaboo strollers, you know what I mean. But who cares??? Who really cares what others think? As long as I'm healthy and happy, doesn't that trump whatever I think others are thinking? And what's wrong with being "those people" if that's what makes them happy? Who am I to judge? Is it a fear of being one of "those people" or is it a fear of NOT being able to be one of them? Do I fear an exclusivity that doesn't exist? Who knows!! I really don't have the answer to this one, but this is part of the purpose of writing here, to work things out in my mind as I write. You just have the privilege of evidencing my mental diarrhea...
This brings me to my one to-do item today. To check out a gym close to work. There is a discount for DoS employees. So here I go. No promises, just baby steps...
Friday, October 31, 2008
Halloween, or, the masks we wear...
It's a flurry of activity around me. Tomorrow is halloween, so N's costume has to be prepared, bagged, and ready to go to school. Fall photos came in as well, so a check needs to be written to pay for pics that our families will throw into a drawer somewhere. I have several important projects and taskers at work that are slowly spiralling into one big ball of wax. Next week there is a major meeting with colleagues and bosses that needs coordination, as well as wardrobe attention. I'm trying to plan something fun for this Saturday for A and I and several work friends, but I keep running into snags.
In the middle of all this, I'm hungry. I haven't felt this way in a while. It seems that the last loss of 8 lbs and the small fill of .2 cc combined to give me an unsatisfactorily small and insignificant tightening. So now I have to go back on Monday for another fill. These fill appts are not close, they imply driving 45 minutes one way, as well as taking off of work because appt hours are early. To tell you the truth, I'd rather go more often rather than risk being overfilled, like what happened to me not too long ago. That was a miserable week and a half. Of course, I am anxious because I am hungry (wow, what a change! It used to be I was hungry BECAUSE I was anxious...) and don't want to gain a single ounce back that I've already lost. I'm afraid of gaining any weight back. I've tried to think back and sincerely cannot remember the last time I was at this weight and size. I believe it was over 9 years ago, possibly 10.
13 or 14 years ago (wow, that long??) I was at a healthy weight. Curvy, but healthy. Several things happened that precipitated the gain, but mostly it was hormonal and medical. I always characterized it as a personal flaw, a faulty characteristic of my being, a demonstration of my imperfection. I always thought it was my fault. If I was a better person, more ambitious, less lazy I would be rewarded with thinness and by consequence, health. If I would only run 20 miles a day, I could attain wellness. How wrong to think that everything was my fault. How very wrong. And how dare people preach to me if I only did this or that I would be better off. How dare they.
I guess I have it easy. All I have to do is lose a little weight. But what about those people who have no compassion? Have no common sense? Those that are unkind, and prejudiced, and ignorant? What medical procedure exists to cure someone of stupid? What treatment is there for selfishness or self-importance? How do you make a fake pompous person better? There you have it. But in this society there is no greater evil than to be fat. No more undesirable trait than to be overweight. Missing an arm is better than having flab. We allow others to make fun of and say cruel things to obese people, but would consider it in bad taste to make fun of those with handicaps or special needs.
So far I have lost a total of 61 lbs from the beginning of the process. And to think I probably have about 80 lbs more to go to reach a healthy BMI. I'm sure I will be happy losing a lot less than 80 lbs. But maybe not. Maybe I will feel so close to my goal that I will continue to push for the last stretch. Right now, that moment feels so far away, although much closer than just 2 months ago.
In the middle of all this, I'm hungry. I haven't felt this way in a while. It seems that the last loss of 8 lbs and the small fill of .2 cc combined to give me an unsatisfactorily small and insignificant tightening. So now I have to go back on Monday for another fill. These fill appts are not close, they imply driving 45 minutes one way, as well as taking off of work because appt hours are early. To tell you the truth, I'd rather go more often rather than risk being overfilled, like what happened to me not too long ago. That was a miserable week and a half. Of course, I am anxious because I am hungry (wow, what a change! It used to be I was hungry BECAUSE I was anxious...) and don't want to gain a single ounce back that I've already lost. I'm afraid of gaining any weight back. I've tried to think back and sincerely cannot remember the last time I was at this weight and size. I believe it was over 9 years ago, possibly 10.
13 or 14 years ago (wow, that long??) I was at a healthy weight. Curvy, but healthy. Several things happened that precipitated the gain, but mostly it was hormonal and medical. I always characterized it as a personal flaw, a faulty characteristic of my being, a demonstration of my imperfection. I always thought it was my fault. If I was a better person, more ambitious, less lazy I would be rewarded with thinness and by consequence, health. If I would only run 20 miles a day, I could attain wellness. How wrong to think that everything was my fault. How very wrong. And how dare people preach to me if I only did this or that I would be better off. How dare they.
I guess I have it easy. All I have to do is lose a little weight. But what about those people who have no compassion? Have no common sense? Those that are unkind, and prejudiced, and ignorant? What medical procedure exists to cure someone of stupid? What treatment is there for selfishness or self-importance? How do you make a fake pompous person better? There you have it. But in this society there is no greater evil than to be fat. No more undesirable trait than to be overweight. Missing an arm is better than having flab. We allow others to make fun of and say cruel things to obese people, but would consider it in bad taste to make fun of those with handicaps or special needs.
So far I have lost a total of 61 lbs from the beginning of the process. And to think I probably have about 80 lbs more to go to reach a healthy BMI. I'm sure I will be happy losing a lot less than 80 lbs. But maybe not. Maybe I will feel so close to my goal that I will continue to push for the last stretch. Right now, that moment feels so far away, although much closer than just 2 months ago.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Walking on a little Sunshine
I had a Lap Band appointment yesterday. It was sorta routine and sorta to be evaluated for a fill. I didn't think I was losing too much since the last adjustment, although emotionally was feeling awesome. So imagine my surprise when at my weigh-in I weighed 8 lbs less! This was really the first time I felt I was seeing concrete results. In fact, it's a little frustrating since I seem to lose it in spurts. After discussing with my Dr. how I was feeling and how much I was eating and when, we decided to give another 0.2 cc a shot. And so far, it's not bad. I will probably need another 0.2 in another week or 2 weeks.
Imagine my shock when I went down yet another size (from 18 to 16). I am now, if not at, then LESS than what I weighed at my wedding over 9 years ago! I wasn't completely convinced this was working, but now I believe it. Man, do I believe it. It is very scary for me. It changes just about everything in your life.
It has changed the way I walk, the way I shop, the way I talk to people, the way I think, the way I raise my daughter, the way I am a wife, how I work, how I play, how I want to take advantage of what life has to offer. I can't imagine what it will feel like when I lose 50 more lbs, but I can't wait...
Imagine my shock when I went down yet another size (from 18 to 16). I am now, if not at, then LESS than what I weighed at my wedding over 9 years ago! I wasn't completely convinced this was working, but now I believe it. Man, do I believe it. It is very scary for me. It changes just about everything in your life.
It has changed the way I walk, the way I shop, the way I talk to people, the way I think, the way I raise my daughter, the way I am a wife, how I work, how I play, how I want to take advantage of what life has to offer. I can't imagine what it will feel like when I lose 50 more lbs, but I can't wait...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
On Rediscovering the Joy of Shopping
Wow. You will not believe what I just bought. Actually, I have been wearing 2-in heels for a while. And have been at work all day and been quite comfortable. But today. My people, today I bought my first 4-in heels. I felt so good in them. I really don't think I will be able to wear them all day, so I must bring low shoes to change into. But wow.
I've always wanted high leather boots. So I bought a pair of those, too. WOW! Love those too! I feel that all I need is a whip and that I might be ready for Halloween.
I now fit into XL blouses and shirts. WOW. I have a lot of lolas, so I'm not surprised that I'm not smaller. Hopefully those will go down, too, but not too much. I'm still bottom heavy, but don't know what to do about that.
Remember I mentioned the change in hormones and how it affected my perfumes? Well, I went back to Elizabeth Arden 5th Avenue. The original, not the updates they've come out with lately. It smells awesome! But I just can't believe how even perfumes are affected by me.
And I'm still embarrassed. Embarrassed that people will see my flaws, my love handles, my big ass. Embarrassed to take pictures full length although I love headshots. Embarrassed of the comments some people have made that they have noticed I have lost weight. Yet the other day I had a successful meeting at work, and felt I was floating, literally floating, and almost ran the whole way back up the hill to my building. I felt people looking at me, not in a bad way, but that somehow they could see I was on a high, I was in the clouds I was up so high. I think they were surprised of the amount of energy emanating from me. I can't remember the last time I ever felt that way. Maybe because I have never felt this way.
The clothes are not the end to the means. It is about how they make you feel. For years I have hated shopping. Now I am slowly rediscovering the joy of feeling good...
I've always wanted high leather boots. So I bought a pair of those, too. WOW! Love those too! I feel that all I need is a whip and that I might be ready for Halloween.
I now fit into XL blouses and shirts. WOW. I have a lot of lolas, so I'm not surprised that I'm not smaller. Hopefully those will go down, too, but not too much. I'm still bottom heavy, but don't know what to do about that.
Remember I mentioned the change in hormones and how it affected my perfumes? Well, I went back to Elizabeth Arden 5th Avenue. The original, not the updates they've come out with lately. It smells awesome! But I just can't believe how even perfumes are affected by me.
And I'm still embarrassed. Embarrassed that people will see my flaws, my love handles, my big ass. Embarrassed to take pictures full length although I love headshots. Embarrassed of the comments some people have made that they have noticed I have lost weight. Yet the other day I had a successful meeting at work, and felt I was floating, literally floating, and almost ran the whole way back up the hill to my building. I felt people looking at me, not in a bad way, but that somehow they could see I was on a high, I was in the clouds I was up so high. I think they were surprised of the amount of energy emanating from me. I can't remember the last time I ever felt that way. Maybe because I have never felt this way.
The clothes are not the end to the means. It is about how they make you feel. For years I have hated shopping. Now I am slowly rediscovering the joy of feeling good...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Letter to a Younger Me
Hello younger me. I've learned some things about you I want to share with you. This will make your life easier, so I hope you'll take this seriously
1. Don’t be so willing and in a rush to be responsible because once you’ve got it there’s no letting it go.
2. Always remember how fun it is to live life how you want it.
3. Don’t be so sure that others know where happiness lies, because they probably don’t.
4. You have lots to teach others.
5. Other people don’t overanalyze everything, so no reason why you should.
6. Sometimes doing the right thing is not the right thing for you.
7. So what if your over-brimming personality is so very different from others, don’t think it’s a bad thing.
8. You don’t have to try to make everyone your friend and keep them pleased, you can still disagree with them and they won’t hate you.
9. You are stronger than you think, and can do things you didn’t believe you could.
10. There’s nothing wrong with working for what you want.
11. Some people DO appreciate what you do.
12. Live like no one has to approve or validate what you do, there is no test to pass.
13. Say exactly what you mean, don’t expect others to infer what you want.
14. You are more honest than a lot of people, and some people can appreciate that.
15. You are intuitive with others’ feelings, trust that gut.
16. The more you think you know, the less you really know.
17. No one is perfect, including you, accept it and move on.
18. Face your fears and they will disappear.
19. There is a part in everyone, including you, that defies logic and is uncontrollable. It’s okay to not be in control.
20. You are a natural leader, don’t be afraid to take on the role because of what people might think.
21. Don’t wait to tell people how you feel, it might be too late if you wait.
22. Don’t waste the good moments in life, they pass much too quickly.
23. Be present, live in the now, plan for later.
24. Sunsets are beautiful and should be shared.
25. Beaches are your weakness.
26. You are not as tough as you think, you are the gentlest person you know.
27. You constantly do stuff for other people, but most times it is not reciprocated so don’t feel bad.
28. Buy more stylish clothes and shoes with higher heels, not for the material aspect but for the way it makes you feel.
29. You catch on to things very quickly, you are an extremely fast learner, so don’t worry if you don’t know how to do everything at the moment.
30. Remember those little girl feelings? Yeah, they never go away, you don’t ever quite grow up all the way.
31. And it’s okay to have secrets, you don’t have to tell everyone everything about yourself.
See you soon.
1. Don’t be so willing and in a rush to be responsible because once you’ve got it there’s no letting it go.
2. Always remember how fun it is to live life how you want it.
3. Don’t be so sure that others know where happiness lies, because they probably don’t.
4. You have lots to teach others.
5. Other people don’t overanalyze everything, so no reason why you should.
6. Sometimes doing the right thing is not the right thing for you.
7. So what if your over-brimming personality is so very different from others, don’t think it’s a bad thing.
8. You don’t have to try to make everyone your friend and keep them pleased, you can still disagree with them and they won’t hate you.
9. You are stronger than you think, and can do things you didn’t believe you could.
10. There’s nothing wrong with working for what you want.
11. Some people DO appreciate what you do.
12. Live like no one has to approve or validate what you do, there is no test to pass.
13. Say exactly what you mean, don’t expect others to infer what you want.
14. You are more honest than a lot of people, and some people can appreciate that.
15. You are intuitive with others’ feelings, trust that gut.
16. The more you think you know, the less you really know.
17. No one is perfect, including you, accept it and move on.
18. Face your fears and they will disappear.
19. There is a part in everyone, including you, that defies logic and is uncontrollable. It’s okay to not be in control.
20. You are a natural leader, don’t be afraid to take on the role because of what people might think.
21. Don’t wait to tell people how you feel, it might be too late if you wait.
22. Don’t waste the good moments in life, they pass much too quickly.
23. Be present, live in the now, plan for later.
24. Sunsets are beautiful and should be shared.
25. Beaches are your weakness.
26. You are not as tough as you think, you are the gentlest person you know.
27. You constantly do stuff for other people, but most times it is not reciprocated so don’t feel bad.
28. Buy more stylish clothes and shoes with higher heels, not for the material aspect but for the way it makes you feel.
29. You catch on to things very quickly, you are an extremely fast learner, so don’t worry if you don’t know how to do everything at the moment.
30. Remember those little girl feelings? Yeah, they never go away, you don’t ever quite grow up all the way.
31. And it’s okay to have secrets, you don’t have to tell everyone everything about yourself.
See you soon.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Full Moon
With 53 lbs less, I feel my body changing. My body chemistry is different, whereas now my favorite perfumes just smell different. Not bad, but the scents are just not as strong on me as before. I feel my hormone levels changing, becoming more sensitive to other factors, such as menstrual cycles, temperature, weather, humidity, etc. It seems like my body is trying to equalize/regulate these new hormone levels. Belly fat is notorious for helping to increase estrogen levels, and I imagine in the reverse, the loss of belly fat increases testosterone levels. I feel more driven, more energetic, more aggressive but in a productive way, very difficult to explain.
A couple of months ago, as I was approaching a menstrual cycle, I felt an uncontrollable urge, literally could not stop myself, from buying chocolate and savoring the taste of cocoa. This had not happened to me in years! Many many years. It was the uncontrollable-ness of the urge that scared me.
And I was feeling weird this week. Maybe it was the fact that A and N went to PR for a week (another long story reserved for another post) and I'm by myself. Or that I actually have time for me, and went on a well-deserved and necessary shopping spree. Or that I'm having fun with my free time this week and doing a million little things for myself. Of course I miss them, but I will see them soon. It's not like they're gone for such a long time.
Or maybe this is my vacation from being mom, wife, boss, planner. This is my week to rediscover that I still have an identity all by myself, I don't have to compromise who I feel I am when I am other things as well.
My theory is that it is the full moon that has me like this. I feel it pulling and tugging on my innards, like a wake-up call to life. The moon is so large in the sky, feels so close and engorged, that I feel the connection straight through my spine. Something is changing, and I don't know where it's taking me yet...
A couple of months ago, as I was approaching a menstrual cycle, I felt an uncontrollable urge, literally could not stop myself, from buying chocolate and savoring the taste of cocoa. This had not happened to me in years! Many many years. It was the uncontrollable-ness of the urge that scared me.
And I was feeling weird this week. Maybe it was the fact that A and N went to PR for a week (another long story reserved for another post) and I'm by myself. Or that I actually have time for me, and went on a well-deserved and necessary shopping spree. Or that I'm having fun with my free time this week and doing a million little things for myself. Of course I miss them, but I will see them soon. It's not like they're gone for such a long time.
Or maybe this is my vacation from being mom, wife, boss, planner. This is my week to rediscover that I still have an identity all by myself, I don't have to compromise who I feel I am when I am other things as well.
My theory is that it is the full moon that has me like this. I feel it pulling and tugging on my innards, like a wake-up call to life. The moon is so large in the sky, feels so close and engorged, that I feel the connection straight through my spine. Something is changing, and I don't know where it's taking me yet...
Monday, October 6, 2008
When there's an up, there's usually a down
Soon after my last post, I had some difficulty with the lap-band. For about two weeks I was able to eat very very little, much less than recommended. Most of you will think, "Well, Duh! Isn't that the point? Eat a lot less to lose weight?" Incorrect. When you eat too little you go into starvation mode, and then have very little energy to get around, and even less energy to make good eating choices.
I was not tolerating hardly any food at all, not sleeping well, vomiting every day at least once, getting very little rest at night, and not energetic at all. In fact, I thought I was sick. I put up with it so long (2 weeks) because I thought if I could just make it a little longer, I would lose more weight and the band would not be so tight. But after two weeks of pain, hunger, discomfort, and general malaise, I'd had enough. The last straw was choking and gagging the night before, to the point that I had not gotten any sound sleep.
I knew I was too tight. I knew it and resisted it, because I didn't want the doctor to remove any fluid. When I called, of course the nurse said come in right away. So I made an emergency trip to Reston, Va to get some fluid taken out of the band.
There was immediate relief, I felt like someone had released all the pressure in my chest and taken off the 50lb weight. The doctor only removed .2 cc (ml), still leaving .2 cc that he had injected the last time. So I was restricted, but not overtight. Now I know what it feels like to be too tight, and the relief that comes when you have it at just the right level.
The clincher was that I had lost 9 lbs in 2 weeks, way too much than the recommended 1-2 lbs per week. Which makes my total weight loss, people, to about 53 lbs!!! This is a major milestone! I've lost over 50 lbs! If I feel this great now, I can't even visualize what 50 more lbs will feel like...
I was not tolerating hardly any food at all, not sleeping well, vomiting every day at least once, getting very little rest at night, and not energetic at all. In fact, I thought I was sick. I put up with it so long (2 weeks) because I thought if I could just make it a little longer, I would lose more weight and the band would not be so tight. But after two weeks of pain, hunger, discomfort, and general malaise, I'd had enough. The last straw was choking and gagging the night before, to the point that I had not gotten any sound sleep.
I knew I was too tight. I knew it and resisted it, because I didn't want the doctor to remove any fluid. When I called, of course the nurse said come in right away. So I made an emergency trip to Reston, Va to get some fluid taken out of the band.
There was immediate relief, I felt like someone had released all the pressure in my chest and taken off the 50lb weight. The doctor only removed .2 cc (ml), still leaving .2 cc that he had injected the last time. So I was restricted, but not overtight. Now I know what it feels like to be too tight, and the relief that comes when you have it at just the right level.
The clincher was that I had lost 9 lbs in 2 weeks, way too much than the recommended 1-2 lbs per week. Which makes my total weight loss, people, to about 53 lbs!!! This is a major milestone! I've lost over 50 lbs! If I feel this great now, I can't even visualize what 50 more lbs will feel like...
Thursday, September 18, 2008
14 is such a beautiful number
I mentioned briefly and in passing that I lost 14 lbs. I'm sure it was more, but I probably gained a few back after starting work.
14 lbs! Even I was impressed. But not surprised. It was a rough 2-3 weeks of not tolerating much solid food unless it was pureed into a liquidy soup. Why did I ride it out so long? Well, I knew I was fine when I was tightened, it's just that I became bloated soon after, which caused further tightening. I was also on vacation back home and several thousand miles from my Dr. And you'd be surprised what you can puree if you put your mind to it and get creative with chicken broth. I was really craving some home-cooked meals, so I took my mom's homemade rice, beans, and chicken, pureed it with some added broth, and squooshed a ripe avocado into it. It was very little rice compared to the amount of beans and chicken, keeping my carbs down.
One thing I learned was how to identify when the food was really stuck and how to get it out quickly. One of the reasons I believe the tightness went on for so long was the induced vomiting I kept having to perform, probably causing some slight inflammation. I had never induced myself to vomit, EVER, but in my case it may be medically necessary occasionally in order to clear the blockage. An important thing to remember is that what I am expelling is not the stomach's contents but the upper pouch contents, which are not digested, malodorous, or that gross. It is similar to what a baby spits up when they eat too much or burp.
Is this one of the more disaggreeable parts of this process? Definitely, but it is a reality one must consider to reach the goal: health.
Speaking of health, I went to my regular doctor to get my 3 month diabetic and systems check and got great news. I am no longer on insulin! In fact, my A1C was withing a normal range without any type of diabetic medicine, although still a bit high for a non-diabetic person. The Dr is confident my diabetes will continue to improve as my weight loss continues. He also took me off my high cholesterol medicine, Crestor, and I no longer need Nexium, for GERD (gastro-intestinal reflux disease). I am now off all of my medications and I still have at least 100 lbs to go!
14 lbs! Even I was impressed. But not surprised. It was a rough 2-3 weeks of not tolerating much solid food unless it was pureed into a liquidy soup. Why did I ride it out so long? Well, I knew I was fine when I was tightened, it's just that I became bloated soon after, which caused further tightening. I was also on vacation back home and several thousand miles from my Dr. And you'd be surprised what you can puree if you put your mind to it and get creative with chicken broth. I was really craving some home-cooked meals, so I took my mom's homemade rice, beans, and chicken, pureed it with some added broth, and squooshed a ripe avocado into it. It was very little rice compared to the amount of beans and chicken, keeping my carbs down.
One thing I learned was how to identify when the food was really stuck and how to get it out quickly. One of the reasons I believe the tightness went on for so long was the induced vomiting I kept having to perform, probably causing some slight inflammation. I had never induced myself to vomit, EVER, but in my case it may be medically necessary occasionally in order to clear the blockage. An important thing to remember is that what I am expelling is not the stomach's contents but the upper pouch contents, which are not digested, malodorous, or that gross. It is similar to what a baby spits up when they eat too much or burp.
Is this one of the more disaggreeable parts of this process? Definitely, but it is a reality one must consider to reach the goal: health.
Speaking of health, I went to my regular doctor to get my 3 month diabetic and systems check and got great news. I am no longer on insulin! In fact, my A1C was withing a normal range without any type of diabetic medicine, although still a bit high for a non-diabetic person. The Dr is confident my diabetes will continue to improve as my weight loss continues. He also took me off my high cholesterol medicine, Crestor, and I no longer need Nexium, for GERD (gastro-intestinal reflux disease). I am now off all of my medications and I still have at least 100 lbs to go!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
So many new things to say...
It's been awhile. Lots of things have happened since we last saw each other: Graduation from the M.S. program, Vacation in Puerto Rico for 3 weeks, guests for a week, starting work all over again, weight loss, Adal starting school again, well, yeah, lots going on.
I promise to tackle all of it, one bite at a time.
Right now, my mind is occupied with only one thought. My washer broke down and I need to buy a new one, which one is the best for me? I've pored over washer reports, washer reviews, washer inventories, and I think I've got it narrowed down. In the meantime, clothes are piling up of course. I'll tell you a secret. I actually bought a washer/dryer set from Sears, with all the bells and whistles, on Saturday. Then I cancelled it on Sunday. And let's just say I'm glad I did.
I'm resolving to post more often. The latest lapband report: 14 lbs down from my weight before vacation! I think I am actually the only person in the world that loses weight by going on vacation... It was a combination of lots of sightseeing, hence tons of walking, and being very tight and not being able to tolerate solid foods well, which caused some slight vomiting and in turn some inflammation which extended the time I was very tight. Got that? Yeah.
I promise to tackle all of it, one bite at a time.
Right now, my mind is occupied with only one thought. My washer broke down and I need to buy a new one, which one is the best for me? I've pored over washer reports, washer reviews, washer inventories, and I think I've got it narrowed down. In the meantime, clothes are piling up of course. I'll tell you a secret. I actually bought a washer/dryer set from Sears, with all the bells and whistles, on Saturday. Then I cancelled it on Sunday. And let's just say I'm glad I did.
I'm resolving to post more often. The latest lapband report: 14 lbs down from my weight before vacation! I think I am actually the only person in the world that loses weight by going on vacation... It was a combination of lots of sightseeing, hence tons of walking, and being very tight and not being able to tolerate solid foods well, which caused some slight vomiting and in turn some inflammation which extended the time I was very tight. Got that? Yeah.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Sleep Anyone?
As a parent, there is little that affects you more than lack of sleep. We are going through a rough patch with N, with sleep, discipline, and potty training. So guess which books I bought? Yep, sleep, discipline, and potty training books! I'm only on the sleep book right now, since it is what most affects us and we're fearful how she will react on vacation. I thumbed through several books before getting this one. Just like the 3 little bears, Ferber was "too harsh," Pantley was "too soft," but this book seems just right. They take a least-cry approach, being realistic that there might be some crying involved during the process of getting kids and babies to sleep properly and on their own, but it doesn't have to be screaming for hours and hours. (See book here!!)
If you breastfeed, bottle-feed, have a kid from birth to 5 years, they have solutions. In my case, I was doing lots of things right. But there are 2 or 3 things we do that perpetuate the nighttime battle. We have a bedtime routine, we put her down early enough (7:30ish) even when everyone else tells us its too early (it's not!!!), we give her baths at night, she has a gate so she stays in her room but she can still see out. But we rock her. Not until she's asleep, but until she's kind of quiet. And when she cries in the middle of the night, we go to her and rock her again. And she doesn't always take her naps and at the same time. The premise of the book is that everyone, even children, wake up 5-6 times a night. As adults, we learn to fall asleep by ourselves and so never fully wake during the night. Children that have learned to go to sleep by themselves also do not fully waken to consciousness. But children that need sleep aids that they do not control (mommy rocking, daddy holding hand or rubbing, etc) need you to recreate the same conditions each and every time they wake. The trick is to provide them with sleep aids that they control, such as sippy cup in a consistent place, pacifier, or blanky or stuffed animal. We used the pacifier until she was two, and then quit cold turkey. That was N's big sleep aid. Then she substituted the paci for the sippy cup. We would get up and fill it again if she cried out that she needed more water. But with potty training, she simply could not drink water all night and learn the potty. So we took it away. But she has not found a replacement sleep aid. She needed to learn that most people do not drink water all night long. They drink before going to sleep and when waking up. Besides, even with a special night diaper, the pee pee was seeping through all the way to her plasticized mattress. I got tired of changing sheets every day.
I am optimistic with this book. They are common-sense, structured, organized, detailed solutions to creating your own sleep plan that works for you. The best part? They have online resources!!! You can download sleep planners, sleep charts, and other valuable resources. PLease, if you or a friend or family is having trouble with sleep and kids, recommend this book. I think they will thank you as soon as they wake up!
If you breastfeed, bottle-feed, have a kid from birth to 5 years, they have solutions. In my case, I was doing lots of things right. But there are 2 or 3 things we do that perpetuate the nighttime battle. We have a bedtime routine, we put her down early enough (7:30ish) even when everyone else tells us its too early (it's not!!!), we give her baths at night, she has a gate so she stays in her room but she can still see out. But we rock her. Not until she's asleep, but until she's kind of quiet. And when she cries in the middle of the night, we go to her and rock her again. And she doesn't always take her naps and at the same time. The premise of the book is that everyone, even children, wake up 5-6 times a night. As adults, we learn to fall asleep by ourselves and so never fully wake during the night. Children that have learned to go to sleep by themselves also do not fully waken to consciousness. But children that need sleep aids that they do not control (mommy rocking, daddy holding hand or rubbing, etc) need you to recreate the same conditions each and every time they wake. The trick is to provide them with sleep aids that they control, such as sippy cup in a consistent place, pacifier, or blanky or stuffed animal. We used the pacifier until she was two, and then quit cold turkey. That was N's big sleep aid. Then she substituted the paci for the sippy cup. We would get up and fill it again if she cried out that she needed more water. But with potty training, she simply could not drink water all night and learn the potty. So we took it away. But she has not found a replacement sleep aid. She needed to learn that most people do not drink water all night long. They drink before going to sleep and when waking up. Besides, even with a special night diaper, the pee pee was seeping through all the way to her plasticized mattress. I got tired of changing sheets every day.
I am optimistic with this book. They are common-sense, structured, organized, detailed solutions to creating your own sleep plan that works for you. The best part? They have online resources!!! You can download sleep planners, sleep charts, and other valuable resources. PLease, if you or a friend or family is having trouble with sleep and kids, recommend this book. I think they will thank you as soon as they wake up!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Has it really been a month??
I can't believe I've procrastinated to a month after my last post.
Good news on the thesis: it has been turned in, approved, signed, sealed, and delivered. I got word not too long ago it might be nominated for an award. It sounds flattering, no? Except I distinctly remember my advisor saying 3 weeks before that every thesis gets nominated for some award. So I'm flattered, but not floored.
I finished also the last class I had to take to graduate now in July. It was pure torture answering the questions and writing the final essay when I had already turned in the thesis. I had nothing left, but I squeezed out the minimum I think to get an A.
And then my mom's sister and family from Michigan came to visit. For just a few short days. It was way too short and left everyone wanting a little more.
N is going through a rough terrible two's patch. She's not quite potty-trained, not quite well-behaved, not quite sleeping thru the night, etc. But every day she does or says something new and funny. 2 days ago her tummy rumbled as we rocked together, and she looked right at me smiling and said "I have a DRAGON in my belly!" Aww, how cuuuuute! But then she had to mess it up with the Papitis. She only craves for Papi now. This morning she said, "I want Papa, I don't WANT Mama!" And she follows him around like a faithful dog. Sickening, really ;p
So what am I doing now that everything is done finito? Well, I had a list of things to do, but no energy. I'm enjoying nothing for now. I've been checking out of school and the base, which believe me, takes a while. There's some loose ends I have to tie up, but nothing major. Basically, I'm planning for my vacay in PR. So far, I have two confirmed beach stays, and I'm working on a third. For once, my immediate family is coming first, before in-laws and parents and other relatives.
This post is getting boring even for me, so until next time...
Good news on the thesis: it has been turned in, approved, signed, sealed, and delivered. I got word not too long ago it might be nominated for an award. It sounds flattering, no? Except I distinctly remember my advisor saying 3 weeks before that every thesis gets nominated for some award. So I'm flattered, but not floored.
I finished also the last class I had to take to graduate now in July. It was pure torture answering the questions and writing the final essay when I had already turned in the thesis. I had nothing left, but I squeezed out the minimum I think to get an A.
And then my mom's sister and family from Michigan came to visit. For just a few short days. It was way too short and left everyone wanting a little more.
N is going through a rough terrible two's patch. She's not quite potty-trained, not quite well-behaved, not quite sleeping thru the night, etc. But every day she does or says something new and funny. 2 days ago her tummy rumbled as we rocked together, and she looked right at me smiling and said "I have a DRAGON in my belly!" Aww, how cuuuuute! But then she had to mess it up with the Papitis. She only craves for Papi now. This morning she said, "I want Papa, I don't WANT Mama!" And she follows him around like a faithful dog. Sickening, really ;p
So what am I doing now that everything is done finito? Well, I had a list of things to do, but no energy. I'm enjoying nothing for now. I've been checking out of school and the base, which believe me, takes a while. There's some loose ends I have to tie up, but nothing major. Basically, I'm planning for my vacay in PR. So far, I have two confirmed beach stays, and I'm working on a third. For once, my immediate family is coming first, before in-laws and parents and other relatives.
This post is getting boring even for me, so until next time...
Friday, June 13, 2008
I'm on a high
Friday the 13th's don't bring me bad luck. Usually, just the opposite. Maybe it is one more way to go against the crowd, who knows.
I am still incredibly high on the adrenaline and stress of finishing the thesis. Yes, I finished it. My original thought, abstract, bibliography, everything. I finished Wednesday and am still reeling from the endorphins. I still have left whatever corrections and comments my chair and reader provide me, but it is easier to fix something than to create it from scratch. I also have to finish up a class and its deliverables. But I am oh, 93% there, if not more.
I got a fill yesterday as well. This fill felt good. It was satisfying and I did not feel hungry. I have gone almost two full days with just liquids. I am starting to feel like I need regular food, but not too bad. Maybe this was what I needed to push me off my plateau, because I checked the scale and seem to have lost 5-6 pounds, just from a day ago. Of course, this gave me another high! I think I am a but bloated from my upcoming monthly cycle, and this can affect banding as well. When a woman bloats, so does their stomach. It is not uncommon for a woman a week before she is due to not be able to get down a lot of food. This is because the stomach also bloats, causing more restriction against the band. The solution to his is just to stay on liquids for the 2 days of bloating, then the stomach will go back to normal. If I am bloated, like I believe, then in a few days I will notice the band will be looser. So I will need another adjustment. Yesterday I got .4 ccs for a total of 4.2 ccs (I think).
N has been progressing well with the potty training at daycare. She now asks to go to the potty. She graduated today to pull-ups so we expect her to be trained within a month. But she still will not go at home. I will be working on her this weekend.
I found this website and I will be trying some products from here: bariatriceating.com. It seems to be a supportive website for those having undergone weight loss surgery.
I felt so good I even went shopping for clothes. Alas, everything I tried just didn't fit right. I did buy underwear, because, well, I wanted to buy something and they were on sale, and most importantly, I felt even better buying a much smaller size panty than my clothes size. Anything to prolong this high!
I am still incredibly high on the adrenaline and stress of finishing the thesis. Yes, I finished it. My original thought, abstract, bibliography, everything. I finished Wednesday and am still reeling from the endorphins. I still have left whatever corrections and comments my chair and reader provide me, but it is easier to fix something than to create it from scratch. I also have to finish up a class and its deliverables. But I am oh, 93% there, if not more.
I got a fill yesterday as well. This fill felt good. It was satisfying and I did not feel hungry. I have gone almost two full days with just liquids. I am starting to feel like I need regular food, but not too bad. Maybe this was what I needed to push me off my plateau, because I checked the scale and seem to have lost 5-6 pounds, just from a day ago. Of course, this gave me another high! I think I am a but bloated from my upcoming monthly cycle, and this can affect banding as well. When a woman bloats, so does their stomach. It is not uncommon for a woman a week before she is due to not be able to get down a lot of food. This is because the stomach also bloats, causing more restriction against the band. The solution to his is just to stay on liquids for the 2 days of bloating, then the stomach will go back to normal. If I am bloated, like I believe, then in a few days I will notice the band will be looser. So I will need another adjustment. Yesterday I got .4 ccs for a total of 4.2 ccs (I think).
N has been progressing well with the potty training at daycare. She now asks to go to the potty. She graduated today to pull-ups so we expect her to be trained within a month. But she still will not go at home. I will be working on her this weekend.
I found this website and I will be trying some products from here: bariatriceating.com. It seems to be a supportive website for those having undergone weight loss surgery.
I felt so good I even went shopping for clothes. Alas, everything I tried just didn't fit right. I did buy underwear, because, well, I wanted to buy something and they were on sale, and most importantly, I felt even better buying a much smaller size panty than my clothes size. Anything to prolong this high!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Potty Update
N has gone TWICE to the potty in school. Her new school, of course. Although she has sat down a few times here at home, she has only peed once here. I thought the change of school would be more traumatic, but the fact that she goes to the potty there, or maybe they just push the issue more, is great news.
So far I'm really liking the school, but N doesn't seem to be close to anybody yet. Today we got the news that she was fighting with some boys. I tell you, I would not wish the wrath of that little girl on anybody. I feel sorry for the boys. I hope she learns that fighting is not the way you make friends.
Thesis update: I'm on the last chapter and may finish this monster yet! Who knows? maybe even a full day ahead of schedule! But let's not push my luck... I MUST turn in a complete ready-to-go draft by this Friday. Then, I will have about 2 weeks to get corrections and make them...
Oh, and although I was filled last week, I have an appt Thursday with the Lap band doctor. They think I might just need another fill...
Wish me luck!
So far I'm really liking the school, but N doesn't seem to be close to anybody yet. Today we got the news that she was fighting with some boys. I tell you, I would not wish the wrath of that little girl on anybody. I feel sorry for the boys. I hope she learns that fighting is not the way you make friends.
Thesis update: I'm on the last chapter and may finish this monster yet! Who knows? maybe even a full day ahead of schedule! But let's not push my luck... I MUST turn in a complete ready-to-go draft by this Friday. Then, I will have about 2 weeks to get corrections and make them...
Oh, and although I was filled last week, I have an appt Thursday with the Lap band doctor. They think I might just need another fill...
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Another day, another fill
Last week I noticed my portion sizes creeping back up. That's when I know I need my band filled. When my band is nice and tight, I get full with half a sandwich and very small portions. Sometimes a cup of coffee is enough to hold me down for a few hours. So I made a trip to Reston for a fill.
I'm a bit disappointed that so soon after the fill I am veritably hungry. A protein drink does seem to fill me, but I think it may be the stress. I am on the last stretch of thesis writing and have to turn in a complete draft by end of next week and I only have 3 chapters written. So than means 2 chapters plus any revisions, bibliography, front matter, back matter, appendices. So if I survive, I'll give you a shout on the other side.
I'm a bit disappointed that so soon after the fill I am veritably hungry. A protein drink does seem to fill me, but I think it may be the stress. I am on the last stretch of thesis writing and have to turn in a complete draft by end of next week and I only have 3 chapters written. So than means 2 chapters plus any revisions, bibliography, front matter, back matter, appendices. So if I survive, I'll give you a shout on the other side.
Friday, May 23, 2008
N pees in the toilet!!!
This has to be in the top ten best moments in my life.
N peed in the toilet this morning! Just about 5 drops, but I heard it tinkle! They were like church bells in my ears.
So all the potty talk for a year has finally blossomed to 5 drops of pee. Yes, we celebrated, we applauded, we praised, we sang, we placed her on the altar of peedom.
And now I am worried, because I am changing her from day care in a week. This new one is down the block from us, we could walk there, so we save at least 30 minutes in the morning. But any major change like this could bring her back from the progress of 5 drops in the toilet. So I am back to being worried.
I think this is the turning point when you realize you no longer have a baby, you have a little girl.
And you should hear her sing "Bla Bla Black sheep," she says yassa instead of yes sir. So cute!
N peed in the toilet this morning! Just about 5 drops, but I heard it tinkle! They were like church bells in my ears.
So all the potty talk for a year has finally blossomed to 5 drops of pee. Yes, we celebrated, we applauded, we praised, we sang, we placed her on the altar of peedom.
And now I am worried, because I am changing her from day care in a week. This new one is down the block from us, we could walk there, so we save at least 30 minutes in the morning. But any major change like this could bring her back from the progress of 5 drops in the toilet. So I am back to being worried.
I think this is the turning point when you realize you no longer have a baby, you have a little girl.
And you should hear her sing "Bla Bla Black sheep," she says yassa instead of yes sir. So cute!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
N and the pink He-Bunny
Last Wednesday I was taxi-ing down the runway with N, her DVD player and "Bunny," a pink he-bunny (? Gender issues ALREADY?) who gets the brunt of N's bossiness. The poor guy, who is already pink and must have low self-esteem because of it, gets dragged on the floor of the airport (yucky germs) then gets told in front of all the other waiting passengers that he is in time-out, because he did something "not nice." He also gets told to go to sleep, and in a not-so-nice voice, by N.
"Go to sweep, bunny!"
She informs me he has to go to the potty, then tells me he did poopoo.
"Bunny is poopoo! He has to go potty!"
Of course, she wipes him, and lays him back down.
N also put her Titi Ile in time-out. She was "not nice."
"Time out Titi! That was not nice, Titi!"
But I saw her look the other way and smile. The funny thing was Titi Ile stayed there, in time out.
Back in the airport:
"Where's Bunny, N?"
"I don't know! I lost him! He's hiding!"
Bunny is hiding in the stroller basket. Oh well. He doesn't get treated too well, but better him than me.
Such is the life with a 2 1/2 year old; avert disasters at all cost...
"Go to sweep, bunny!"
She informs me he has to go to the potty, then tells me he did poopoo.
"Bunny is poopoo! He has to go potty!"
Of course, she wipes him, and lays him back down.
N also put her Titi Ile in time-out. She was "not nice."
"Time out Titi! That was not nice, Titi!"
But I saw her look the other way and smile. The funny thing was Titi Ile stayed there, in time out.
Back in the airport:
"Where's Bunny, N?"
"I don't know! I lost him! He's hiding!"
Bunny is hiding in the stroller basket. Oh well. He doesn't get treated too well, but better him than me.
Such is the life with a 2 1/2 year old; avert disasters at all cost...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Of death, funerals, and the summer to come...
Amazing what changes in a week...
Last Wednesday, May 14th, at 6:30 am I found out my grandfather had passed away. My Abuelo who had Alzheimer's and was bed-ridden for 3 years. By 1:52 pm that same day, I was on a plane with N, her Bunny, and a DVD player.
Death is never easy for anyone. But this was a good death if there ever was one. His three children were there, all my sisters and brothers came, it was a beautifully simple service. There was closure for many of us. N distracted and brought joy to my mother, who was more affected than she admitted.
Funerals in Puerto Rico are a curious thing. You end up seeing everybody you mean to see when you visit but never have time to. It is a congregation of old people. Old people like to go to funerals. They see family they haven't seen in a while. They talk about their medical conditions with uninterested parties while in the same room with a dead body. They gossip. (You find out so many things!). They complain how cold it is in the room. And in the middle of all this, you realize this is the cycle of life: birth, procreation, grandchildren, old age, death. You become accustomed to the dead body in the same room with you, you accept it. You are sad, but you know he had a good complete life. It just becomes a body, a shell, and you quickly realize how empty of life a dead body feels. Funerals give you closure: you finally see the body go into the earth, say your final farewells, and close the chapter.
The sadness lingers, but it is a sadness of loss. I could tell you funny stories about my Abuelo. I could go on and on about the dead. But I belong to the world of the living and as such must celebrate life. That is my goal this summer. To celebrate life with A and N because when you are dead you can't enjoy the sun and feel the breeze in your hair...
Goodbye Abuelo! Have a good trip!
Last Wednesday, May 14th, at 6:30 am I found out my grandfather had passed away. My Abuelo who had Alzheimer's and was bed-ridden for 3 years. By 1:52 pm that same day, I was on a plane with N, her Bunny, and a DVD player.
Death is never easy for anyone. But this was a good death if there ever was one. His three children were there, all my sisters and brothers came, it was a beautifully simple service. There was closure for many of us. N distracted and brought joy to my mother, who was more affected than she admitted.
Funerals in Puerto Rico are a curious thing. You end up seeing everybody you mean to see when you visit but never have time to. It is a congregation of old people. Old people like to go to funerals. They see family they haven't seen in a while. They talk about their medical conditions with uninterested parties while in the same room with a dead body. They gossip. (You find out so many things!). They complain how cold it is in the room. And in the middle of all this, you realize this is the cycle of life: birth, procreation, grandchildren, old age, death. You become accustomed to the dead body in the same room with you, you accept it. You are sad, but you know he had a good complete life. It just becomes a body, a shell, and you quickly realize how empty of life a dead body feels. Funerals give you closure: you finally see the body go into the earth, say your final farewells, and close the chapter.
The sadness lingers, but it is a sadness of loss. I could tell you funny stories about my Abuelo. I could go on and on about the dead. But I belong to the world of the living and as such must celebrate life. That is my goal this summer. To celebrate life with A and N because when you are dead you can't enjoy the sun and feel the breeze in your hair...
Goodbye Abuelo! Have a good trip!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Mondays can be good
The good parts: I have gone all the way to 3 pm with only half a sandwich in my stomach and no hunger. I am now eating half a can of chicken breast and feel full. I now fit in clothes that fit me before the pregnancy, in Greece, circa March 2005. I realized that the mild and strong headaches I was getting last week and the week before were NOT due to hunger (or coffee withdrawal), but to very tight muscles in the neck area, so I have resumed going to the Chiropractor. I bought a new chiropractic pillow today to see if that helps with the headaches.
The bad parts: I skipped out on exercise today. I noticed the clothes, although they fit, don't fit the same due to a hanging sack of fat below my belly-button line. I have to continue to see the Chiropractor to get relief from the headaches and my insurance limit is fast approaching. The pillow cost $60 so it better be worth it! I noticed I have a very hard time controlling how much I eat in social situations such as restaurants (yesterday) and get-togethers at my house (Saturday). I had a rough night with very little sleep and wasn't able to work on my thesis as much as I hoped today.
I did have a good week after the last fill. I went about a day and a half of only true liquids, which is really the most I've gone. Thursday was A's b-day and we had a nice time celebrating it with our small family at home. It was very enjoyable! I was in such a good mood because I finally felt I have turned the corner. Yes, it helped that I tried on some clothes that just 2 weeks earlier did not fit. I've even started to take photos of myself (face only!) to try to see the progress.
I feel N is starting to bond a lot to me. I think it is because I am spending more time with her, we are talking more together, I am trying to have more patience, I am discipling her more, she is becoming more mature, etc. She has developed a strange phobia of monsters and dolphins and anything that looks strange to her. We've had the same lamp, a buddha-head lamp, on our landing since last year, and last week she became afraid of it. I explained to her it is buddha, so now every time she comes down the stairs she says "Good Morning, puta!". Which is incredibly cute, puta means whore in Spanish and it is also the Chinese pronunciation of Buddha. The other day she refused to get in the car because there was a dolphin inside. We are dealing with it by empowering her to take charge of her monsters. We tell her she must say "booo!" and the monsters get scared of her and leave.
If only I could learn to get rid of my demons the same way...
The bad parts: I skipped out on exercise today. I noticed the clothes, although they fit, don't fit the same due to a hanging sack of fat below my belly-button line. I have to continue to see the Chiropractor to get relief from the headaches and my insurance limit is fast approaching. The pillow cost $60 so it better be worth it! I noticed I have a very hard time controlling how much I eat in social situations such as restaurants (yesterday) and get-togethers at my house (Saturday). I had a rough night with very little sleep and wasn't able to work on my thesis as much as I hoped today.
I did have a good week after the last fill. I went about a day and a half of only true liquids, which is really the most I've gone. Thursday was A's b-day and we had a nice time celebrating it with our small family at home. It was very enjoyable! I was in such a good mood because I finally felt I have turned the corner. Yes, it helped that I tried on some clothes that just 2 weeks earlier did not fit. I've even started to take photos of myself (face only!) to try to see the progress.
I feel N is starting to bond a lot to me. I think it is because I am spending more time with her, we are talking more together, I am trying to have more patience, I am discipling her more, she is becoming more mature, etc. She has developed a strange phobia of monsters and dolphins and anything that looks strange to her. We've had the same lamp, a buddha-head lamp, on our landing since last year, and last week she became afraid of it. I explained to her it is buddha, so now every time she comes down the stairs she says "Good Morning, puta!". Which is incredibly cute, puta means whore in Spanish and it is also the Chinese pronunciation of Buddha. The other day she refused to get in the car because there was a dolphin inside. We are dealing with it by empowering her to take charge of her monsters. We tell her she must say "booo!" and the monsters get scared of her and leave.
If only I could learn to get rid of my demons the same way...
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Happiness in a Syringe
I got my fill. 0.6 ccs for a total of 3.2 cc. And I got relief.
Imagine my surprise when I get on the scale at the Dr.'s and find I've lost 6 lbs in exactly 2 weeks. Especially when my scale at home wasn't registering any change. This is what happens when you buy a fancy looking scale that you think is good at Walmart, trying to save money. I got two weeks of frustration for nothing. Actually, I wonder how much more I pushed myself to do better BECAUSE I saw I wasn't losing.
I was also frustrated that after 2 fills, my lapband didn't seem to be working for me. I found out some interesting information about my particular model of LapBand. Mine is a third generation band. As the bands have progressed from their first design, the inflatable pillow that sits against the stomach and constricts has gotten wider with a larger "footprint". So previous models had a lower-volume higher-pressure system. Mine is higher-volume, lower-pressure. The wider and larger footprint prevents band slippage and erosion. It also means it needs more fills to find the right pressure that works. Whereas previous models were tweaked in about 3-4 fills, mine might need 8-12. That explains so much! Now I don't feel guilty because I'm eating more after 2 weeks of a fill. I don't feel like I am doing something wrong. It is actually the band. So now I am feeling that I AM doing things right, and that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
Imagine my DELIGHT when I came home and was full with a cup of coffee. *GRIN* Every time I'm filled, I have to do 48 hours of liquids and 48 hours of mushy foods before going to solids. This time I'm having no problems whatsoever! YAY! Even seeing other people eat is not affecting me as much.
Also, I have a secret. Don't tell anyone, but I've actually walked/jogged TWICE in one week. Shhh! I don't want to hear about it. I'm just going to do it quietly and without much fuss. SO DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT!!!
Imagine my surprise when I get on the scale at the Dr.'s and find I've lost 6 lbs in exactly 2 weeks. Especially when my scale at home wasn't registering any change. This is what happens when you buy a fancy looking scale that you think is good at Walmart, trying to save money. I got two weeks of frustration for nothing. Actually, I wonder how much more I pushed myself to do better BECAUSE I saw I wasn't losing.
I was also frustrated that after 2 fills, my lapband didn't seem to be working for me. I found out some interesting information about my particular model of LapBand. Mine is a third generation band. As the bands have progressed from their first design, the inflatable pillow that sits against the stomach and constricts has gotten wider with a larger "footprint". So previous models had a lower-volume higher-pressure system. Mine is higher-volume, lower-pressure. The wider and larger footprint prevents band slippage and erosion. It also means it needs more fills to find the right pressure that works. Whereas previous models were tweaked in about 3-4 fills, mine might need 8-12. That explains so much! Now I don't feel guilty because I'm eating more after 2 weeks of a fill. I don't feel like I am doing something wrong. It is actually the band. So now I am feeling that I AM doing things right, and that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
Imagine my DELIGHT when I came home and was full with a cup of coffee. *GRIN* Every time I'm filled, I have to do 48 hours of liquids and 48 hours of mushy foods before going to solids. This time I'm having no problems whatsoever! YAY! Even seeing other people eat is not affecting me as much.
Also, I have a secret. Don't tell anyone, but I've actually walked/jogged TWICE in one week. Shhh! I don't want to hear about it. I'm just going to do it quietly and without much fuss. SO DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT!!!
Monday, May 5, 2008
anger + frustration = fill?
I need a fill like an addict needs a hit.
It is very hard to explain how I feel full now or how I know I'm eating too much. The feelings are now in my chest, in the upper part of my stomach. If I don't chew or take small enough bites, it hurts. A lot. And drinking water doesn't help the hurt. There's no way around it except chewing a lot and taking tiny bites. I know I'm eating too much if I want to eat more than half a cup of food for each meal. I'm starting to actually measure it now, and trying to keep a food diary. When you write every single thing you eat down, it's a shock at the end of the day. Even those days when you say, "oh! I've hardly eaten a thing...", if you were to be honest with yourself you might find you ate more than you admit. Eating one or two olives, taking a slice of cheese, even my very dear sugar-free popsicles (which I believe I am now addicted to, and I am not joking here) add up at the end of the day. Why do I have to take a slice of cheese? Why do I eat 7 or 8 olives? I should not be hungry at all.
I think part of it is I am still finding the right tightness for my band. And part of it is eating out of anxiety. Knowing I eat because I am anxious sometimes helps me control myself, and sometimes I realize it and keep eating anyway. Eating for me now is a very conscious act. I have to measure and chew each morsel, making a conscious decision whether to take the next bite or not. I don't want it to be this way, I want to just eat and enjoy and move on. No, I have to be conscious of everything, every little trigger that pushes me to eat one more bite when I shouldn't, and don't need it.
Some people ask me how much I have lost. Nothing. Zip. Except for the initial 14 lbs from being on a liquids only diet, nothing. So much sacrifice for nothing. I thought by now I would have lost 10 to 15 pounds more for sure. What angers me is their comments about how Sue or Joe got the bypass and lost 100 lbs right away. I am not Sue or Joe! I didn't want the gastric bypass! I wanted something healthier, not so extreme. Like I don't have enough pressure as it is, these people are annoying. They have no idea how hard I have worked to change my habits. I don't eat rice, I don't eat pasta, I don't eat potatoes except rarely. I eat salads now. I eat a fraction of what I used to. A FRACTION! And still, nothing. A and N eat normal food around me, dammit, I even cook it for them. Yes, I make rice and pasta and potatoes for them, yet I don't eat it. A serves himself three times sometimes, eats crap around me, hides muffins and chocolates and sweets from me, and yet I don't eat it. You would think seeing me go through what I have been through would motivate him to eat healthier, eat less, take care of himself for his health. If I die, he needs to take care of N, he needs to be healthy for that. He has no discipline, and it does affect me. Hiding it doesn't make it go away.
I have another fill scheduled for tomorrow. Maybe this will be the miracle fill. Maybe this one will work. Maybe?
It is very hard to explain how I feel full now or how I know I'm eating too much. The feelings are now in my chest, in the upper part of my stomach. If I don't chew or take small enough bites, it hurts. A lot. And drinking water doesn't help the hurt. There's no way around it except chewing a lot and taking tiny bites. I know I'm eating too much if I want to eat more than half a cup of food for each meal. I'm starting to actually measure it now, and trying to keep a food diary. When you write every single thing you eat down, it's a shock at the end of the day. Even those days when you say, "oh! I've hardly eaten a thing...", if you were to be honest with yourself you might find you ate more than you admit. Eating one or two olives, taking a slice of cheese, even my very dear sugar-free popsicles (which I believe I am now addicted to, and I am not joking here) add up at the end of the day. Why do I have to take a slice of cheese? Why do I eat 7 or 8 olives? I should not be hungry at all.
I think part of it is I am still finding the right tightness for my band. And part of it is eating out of anxiety. Knowing I eat because I am anxious sometimes helps me control myself, and sometimes I realize it and keep eating anyway. Eating for me now is a very conscious act. I have to measure and chew each morsel, making a conscious decision whether to take the next bite or not. I don't want it to be this way, I want to just eat and enjoy and move on. No, I have to be conscious of everything, every little trigger that pushes me to eat one more bite when I shouldn't, and don't need it.
Some people ask me how much I have lost. Nothing. Zip. Except for the initial 14 lbs from being on a liquids only diet, nothing. So much sacrifice for nothing. I thought by now I would have lost 10 to 15 pounds more for sure. What angers me is their comments about how Sue or Joe got the bypass and lost 100 lbs right away. I am not Sue or Joe! I didn't want the gastric bypass! I wanted something healthier, not so extreme. Like I don't have enough pressure as it is, these people are annoying. They have no idea how hard I have worked to change my habits. I don't eat rice, I don't eat pasta, I don't eat potatoes except rarely. I eat salads now. I eat a fraction of what I used to. A FRACTION! And still, nothing. A and N eat normal food around me, dammit, I even cook it for them. Yes, I make rice and pasta and potatoes for them, yet I don't eat it. A serves himself three times sometimes, eats crap around me, hides muffins and chocolates and sweets from me, and yet I don't eat it. You would think seeing me go through what I have been through would motivate him to eat healthier, eat less, take care of himself for his health. If I die, he needs to take care of N, he needs to be healthy for that. He has no discipline, and it does affect me. Hiding it doesn't make it go away.
I have another fill scheduled for tomorrow. Maybe this will be the miracle fill. Maybe this one will work. Maybe?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Food and Freud
The psychology of overeating is that, well, it's never about JUST food. If you eat because you are anxious, why are you anxious? What causes your anxiety? And what can you do about it?
As you can see, I DID go to my first therapy session. And that's what I learned. Some of the causes of anxiety are deep and hidden under years and years of dust. Other causes are recent but just as damaging. I can't imagine anybody going through this whole bariatric process and not addressing their psychological needs. I saw an episode of "Work Out" last night on Bravo, and one of the trainers/masseuse is working one on one with a client that is trying to lose a considerable amount of weight. This (thin and muscular and good-looking) trainer goes to her house to see her in her environment, and ends up throwing out a huge garbage bag full of bad unhealthy food. He sits with her trying to make her understand that her overeating and bad habits are due to anxiety. She (the client) ends up crying and admitting her deep problems with self-esteem. She clearly needs some sort of therapy, and not from a fitness trainer/masseuse.
My therapist (wow! now I have a therapist!!) did not have a red leather couch. She DID have a yellow/creme suede couch and matching real leather chair. So I was close. Ironically, one of the things she has helped me with (in a week) was to better concentrate on school stuff. She suggested I conscientiously keep written To-Do lists and prioritize the items. This sounds stupid and basic, but it works for me. I always keep To-Do lists, but more in my head than on paper. Putting it down and seeing it written makes me want to cross it off. The day I came back from therapy I proposed to write one page of one final. I finished all 5 pages! The next day I proposed to answer one question (2 pages) of one final. I finished all three questions for a total of 6 pages IN ONE DAY! I wish I had started this therapy stuff a lot earlier in the school year, I could have been done with my thesis by now! But everything has its time. I was not ready to face my issues until I realized I had issues when I got the surgery. I would not have had the surgery unless I had gotten fed up with all my conditions, and that would not have happened if I had not been diagnosed with sleep apnea, which would not have happened if I had not gone to the doctor to complain about my headaches, etc etc etc.
I still feel like I wasted so many years of my life and my health. I know I'm being hard on myself, and I can't help it. If I don't have high expectations for myself, who will? Do I strive to be "perfect"? No, I strive to be happy. Sometimes I get happy when I feel a sense of achievement from doing something right.
As for the new fill status of my band, I'm still not happy. I still think I am eating too much. I'm eating about 1/2 to 3/4 cups of food each meal, and I'm still "grazing" between meals. Mostly I snack on slices of cheese and sugar-free popsicles (15 calories a pop!). I will be calling the doctor tomorrow to ask if this is normal or still too much. I also have my next therapist (I have a THERAPIST!) appointment tomorrow, I can't wait. Now I understand why so many people go to therapists, it DOES feel good. You feel a relief of pressure, relief from life weighing you down.
I can't wait to feel lighter because I will finally BE lighter...
As you can see, I DID go to my first therapy session. And that's what I learned. Some of the causes of anxiety are deep and hidden under years and years of dust. Other causes are recent but just as damaging. I can't imagine anybody going through this whole bariatric process and not addressing their psychological needs. I saw an episode of "Work Out" last night on Bravo, and one of the trainers/masseuse is working one on one with a client that is trying to lose a considerable amount of weight. This (thin and muscular and good-looking) trainer goes to her house to see her in her environment, and ends up throwing out a huge garbage bag full of bad unhealthy food. He sits with her trying to make her understand that her overeating and bad habits are due to anxiety. She (the client) ends up crying and admitting her deep problems with self-esteem. She clearly needs some sort of therapy, and not from a fitness trainer/masseuse.
My therapist (wow! now I have a therapist!!) did not have a red leather couch. She DID have a yellow/creme suede couch and matching real leather chair. So I was close. Ironically, one of the things she has helped me with (in a week) was to better concentrate on school stuff. She suggested I conscientiously keep written To-Do lists and prioritize the items. This sounds stupid and basic, but it works for me. I always keep To-Do lists, but more in my head than on paper. Putting it down and seeing it written makes me want to cross it off. The day I came back from therapy I proposed to write one page of one final. I finished all 5 pages! The next day I proposed to answer one question (2 pages) of one final. I finished all three questions for a total of 6 pages IN ONE DAY! I wish I had started this therapy stuff a lot earlier in the school year, I could have been done with my thesis by now! But everything has its time. I was not ready to face my issues until I realized I had issues when I got the surgery. I would not have had the surgery unless I had gotten fed up with all my conditions, and that would not have happened if I had not been diagnosed with sleep apnea, which would not have happened if I had not gone to the doctor to complain about my headaches, etc etc etc.
I still feel like I wasted so many years of my life and my health. I know I'm being hard on myself, and I can't help it. If I don't have high expectations for myself, who will? Do I strive to be "perfect"? No, I strive to be happy. Sometimes I get happy when I feel a sense of achievement from doing something right.
As for the new fill status of my band, I'm still not happy. I still think I am eating too much. I'm eating about 1/2 to 3/4 cups of food each meal, and I'm still "grazing" between meals. Mostly I snack on slices of cheese and sugar-free popsicles (15 calories a pop!). I will be calling the doctor tomorrow to ask if this is normal or still too much. I also have my next therapist (I have a THERAPIST!) appointment tomorrow, I can't wait. Now I understand why so many people go to therapists, it DOES feel good. You feel a relief of pressure, relief from life weighing you down.
I can't wait to feel lighter because I will finally BE lighter...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
... And Filled Again
I was filled again yesterday.
The nurse had told me that after the initial fill, due to the design of the lapband, after 7-10 days it is possible to feel hungry again. I was just to call and make an appt to fill a little more. This happens because it is a closed system and sometimes small amounts of air get trapped. As the air permeates out of the system, you are left a little less full than when initially filled. I did notice I was starting to eat the same amounts as before I was filled and after the placement of the lapband: not as much as before the surgery, but much more than how the band was supposed to allow me. I was disappointed and frustrated because I wasn't losing as much or as quickly as I wanted to. So I called yesterday and they accomodated me yesterday afternoon.
This time, the fill is done in the office. It was not supposed to hurt. But the doc hit a "stomach nerve" and I started yelling a little bit (well, I AM a big baby, so what?). They had to administer some lidocaine (another needle) in order to continue the fill. This has happened to me when I inject insulin, sometimes you hit nerves, but I go slowly and as soon as I feel it, I pull it out and try another site. The doc just kept the needle there so the nerve was screaming bloody murder. These things happen, I just had the bad luck yesterday it happened to me. Yes, it was a bit traumatizing and I had some bruising, but I survived : )
Initially, I had been filled to 2.2 cc and yesterday's fill brought me up to 2.6 cc. Not a big difference, but enough for me to feel the difference. They gave me water to make sure liquids could go down, and took a bit out when I told them I could feel the water getting a bit stuck. I am back to 48 hrs of liquids, 48 hrs mushy food, and then solids again.
The nurse told me I should not be hungry in the morning when waking up, and that when I do eat, I should get full with half a sandwich. !!! In my life have I been full with half a sandwich! I'm looking forward to it! My goal is to see food as sustenance, not as a pleasure. I don't WANT to enjoy food, I just want to eat what I need to.
I have a theory: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has issues with food. Skinny people, fat people, old people, young people, everyone. Whether it is that sweet tooth, or a late night snack, or hiding snacks, not being honest with themselves about how much they eat, or thinking about food all the time or not at all, or the obsession with organic foods, vegetarianism, you name it, everyone has a THING with food. Most people never have to deal with their issues, they just live and die with them. I have to. I have to deal with every single issue surrounding food if I want this whole project to work out.
Believe me, I did not believe I had SO many issues with food. I knew I had a problem, but I thought getting the lap band would solve most if not all of them. I thought being physically satiated would be the solution. WRONG! True, the hunger is no longer physical. But not being physically hungry allowed me to see I had other levels of food issues. "Why am I looking for something to put in my mouth if I JUST ATE and can't be hungry?" "Why can't I leave food on my plate?" "Why can't I stop when I know I should be full?" "Why am I EATING this if I don't really want to!?"
So I decided I need help. I want to neutralize as many of my issues as possible to ensure long-term success. I have an appt tomorrow with a Psy.D. psychologist for behavior modification. I have never been to a psychologist, but I am open to this. I want to attack each of my issues and pow! pow! get rid of them.
I'm very excited about this! I hope she has a red leather couch and a window, the way I picture all psychologists...
The nurse had told me that after the initial fill, due to the design of the lapband, after 7-10 days it is possible to feel hungry again. I was just to call and make an appt to fill a little more. This happens because it is a closed system and sometimes small amounts of air get trapped. As the air permeates out of the system, you are left a little less full than when initially filled. I did notice I was starting to eat the same amounts as before I was filled and after the placement of the lapband: not as much as before the surgery, but much more than how the band was supposed to allow me. I was disappointed and frustrated because I wasn't losing as much or as quickly as I wanted to. So I called yesterday and they accomodated me yesterday afternoon.
This time, the fill is done in the office. It was not supposed to hurt. But the doc hit a "stomach nerve" and I started yelling a little bit (well, I AM a big baby, so what?). They had to administer some lidocaine (another needle) in order to continue the fill. This has happened to me when I inject insulin, sometimes you hit nerves, but I go slowly and as soon as I feel it, I pull it out and try another site. The doc just kept the needle there so the nerve was screaming bloody murder. These things happen, I just had the bad luck yesterday it happened to me. Yes, it was a bit traumatizing and I had some bruising, but I survived : )
Initially, I had been filled to 2.2 cc and yesterday's fill brought me up to 2.6 cc. Not a big difference, but enough for me to feel the difference. They gave me water to make sure liquids could go down, and took a bit out when I told them I could feel the water getting a bit stuck. I am back to 48 hrs of liquids, 48 hrs mushy food, and then solids again.
The nurse told me I should not be hungry in the morning when waking up, and that when I do eat, I should get full with half a sandwich. !!! In my life have I been full with half a sandwich! I'm looking forward to it! My goal is to see food as sustenance, not as a pleasure. I don't WANT to enjoy food, I just want to eat what I need to.
I have a theory: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has issues with food. Skinny people, fat people, old people, young people, everyone. Whether it is that sweet tooth, or a late night snack, or hiding snacks, not being honest with themselves about how much they eat, or thinking about food all the time or not at all, or the obsession with organic foods, vegetarianism, you name it, everyone has a THING with food. Most people never have to deal with their issues, they just live and die with them. I have to. I have to deal with every single issue surrounding food if I want this whole project to work out.
Believe me, I did not believe I had SO many issues with food. I knew I had a problem, but I thought getting the lap band would solve most if not all of them. I thought being physically satiated would be the solution. WRONG! True, the hunger is no longer physical. But not being physically hungry allowed me to see I had other levels of food issues. "Why am I looking for something to put in my mouth if I JUST ATE and can't be hungry?" "Why can't I leave food on my plate?" "Why can't I stop when I know I should be full?" "Why am I EATING this if I don't really want to!?"
So I decided I need help. I want to neutralize as many of my issues as possible to ensure long-term success. I have an appt tomorrow with a Psy.D. psychologist for behavior modification. I have never been to a psychologist, but I am open to this. I want to attack each of my issues and pow! pow! get rid of them.
I'm very excited about this! I hope she has a red leather couch and a window, the way I picture all psychologists...
Friday, April 11, 2008
Finally Filled!
Today, my good people, I was filled. So I'm full. Or so I hope to be. They finally inflated my lap band so it does what its supposed to do. Keep me from feeling so hungry and make me satiated sooner. Alas. Today, I understood what it is to be psychologically hungry.
I'm on liquids for 48 hours, then soft foods for another 48, then solids on Monday. Even though I know I wasn't hungry, couldn't be hungry, I wanted food. This is what I feared. Because what recourse is there? There's no lap band for the brain, my friend. Not yet anyway. So while my physical stomach is full, my psychological tummy is screaming "feed me!" I'm at a loss here, but I will come back to this problem and let you know how I am dealing with it.
The doctor who filled me today in the OR (a little overkill, I think, to be in an Operating Room just to use a needle similar to my insulin needle and fill me with 2.2 mL of Saline...) under the fluoroscope told me I would be 10 lbs lighter when I see him the next time, in a month. Bless his heart! He better be right! And it better be closer to 15 lbs, dammit! I am making such an effort at this, I don't want to fail.
It's so hard for me to imagine losing even 75 lbs, but at 10 lbs a month, by this time next year I could be 120 lbs lighter. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, so let's just say 75 lbs. I'm happy with 75 lbs off for now.
Thesis Update: I have started. Lo and behold I have about 10 pages written. Only about 60 to go for a bare bones meet-the-requirement-and-graduate thesis. And really, I don't think I'll be winning any awards with this one... Ironically, I am now consumed with all my free time going to writing the thing. I mean, I am DRIVEN. Now, why couldn't this drive have started 3 or 4 months ago?? I could've finished the stupid thing by now!
N update: N is talking so much. Her favorite movie now is happy feet. She says "I want to see Mumble." That's the name of the main penguin. She broke her crib, so we had to get the toddler bed. It was a rough two nights, but now she basically falls asleep by herself IN HER BED after she gets 2 stories read to her. And it takes minutes for her to quiet down versus the HOURS it used to take. AND she has a new trike that I put together for her all by myself! Ahhh, but that's a post in and of itself with photos and everything. You'll see why...
I'm on liquids for 48 hours, then soft foods for another 48, then solids on Monday. Even though I know I wasn't hungry, couldn't be hungry, I wanted food. This is what I feared. Because what recourse is there? There's no lap band for the brain, my friend. Not yet anyway. So while my physical stomach is full, my psychological tummy is screaming "feed me!" I'm at a loss here, but I will come back to this problem and let you know how I am dealing with it.
The doctor who filled me today in the OR (a little overkill, I think, to be in an Operating Room just to use a needle similar to my insulin needle and fill me with 2.2 mL of Saline...) under the fluoroscope told me I would be 10 lbs lighter when I see him the next time, in a month. Bless his heart! He better be right! And it better be closer to 15 lbs, dammit! I am making such an effort at this, I don't want to fail.
It's so hard for me to imagine losing even 75 lbs, but at 10 lbs a month, by this time next year I could be 120 lbs lighter. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, so let's just say 75 lbs. I'm happy with 75 lbs off for now.
Thesis Update: I have started. Lo and behold I have about 10 pages written. Only about 60 to go for a bare bones meet-the-requirement-and-graduate thesis. And really, I don't think I'll be winning any awards with this one... Ironically, I am now consumed with all my free time going to writing the thing. I mean, I am DRIVEN. Now, why couldn't this drive have started 3 or 4 months ago?? I could've finished the stupid thing by now!
N update: N is talking so much. Her favorite movie now is happy feet. She says "I want to see Mumble." That's the name of the main penguin. She broke her crib, so we had to get the toddler bed. It was a rough two nights, but now she basically falls asleep by herself IN HER BED after she gets 2 stories read to her. And it takes minutes for her to quiet down versus the HOURS it used to take. AND she has a new trike that I put together for her all by myself! Ahhh, but that's a post in and of itself with photos and everything. You'll see why...
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Slow going
It's been several weeks, and I am a bit disappointed with the slow going. Slowly over time, I've migrated to solid food. And have increased the volume of food. I'm sticking to high protein food and fruits and vegetables. No rice, no pasta, no starchy foods except for the occasional sandwich with whole wheat bread and Kashi cereal. And yet, I am stuck at the same weight. I realize I lost the initial 14 lbs because I was on a liquid protein diet for about 2 weeks. Now I am eating lots of salads and healthy stuff, but no weight loss.
I have an appt in about 3 weeks to fill the lap band for the first time. Hopefully this will bring on another dip in weight. I have to be honest, my exercise level has been very low. I was hoping to lose more weight so it would be easier to exercise.
In the mean time, N and A have come back from their vacation and I feel like a whole person again. I'm having problems posting photos and I think it's because I have Vista.
Meanwhile the thesis has acquired a nasty attitude, wanting attention. I'm so stressed about it I'm having nightmares about not finishing it.
I have an appt in about 3 weeks to fill the lap band for the first time. Hopefully this will bring on another dip in weight. I have to be honest, my exercise level has been very low. I was hoping to lose more weight so it would be easier to exercise.
In the mean time, N and A have come back from their vacation and I feel like a whole person again. I'm having problems posting photos and I think it's because I have Vista.
Meanwhile the thesis has acquired a nasty attitude, wanting attention. I'm so stressed about it I'm having nightmares about not finishing it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
N at the beach!
N is on vacation with my parents in PR. My mom took her for two weeks and A is going for a week to pick her up. This is supposed to give me time to adjust to my new eating habits and time to write my thesis. All I can do is mope around missing her!! N, on the other hand, is having a blast and getting spoiled. I know this has nothing to do with the Lap Band, but I can't help it. She looks so cute! Here's a vid they sent me of her first day at a beach. Notice the confident strut like she's used to hanging out by the ocean:
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Life following post-op
My incisions are small and healing well! 4 days after surgery and I was back at school. Driving wasn't so bad; walking long distances and climbing stairs, well, I could have used 1 or 2 more days of rest. Not that my professors are so cruel as to MAKE me go, but the quarter just started and I hate to miss stuff the first day.
The diet after the lap band operation was simply liquids like protein shakes and soups. My favorites? Trader Joe's has great protein shakes in a can ready to go, with 35 g of protein and 4 g of carbs, and I suggest the chocolate flavor. Trader Joe's also has a variety of soups in a box, with my favorite being the Organic Tomato Soup. They come in a box similar to the UHT or soy milk boxes, very convenient and easy, and now I've hooked the rest of my family on them. We'll probably continue to eat them! At the end of one week, liquids just weren't cutting it for me, I was pretty hungry!
At my week after dr appt, everything looks really good and I was moved to mushy food. So I can eat basically anything I can puree in a blender. Believe me, I can puree almost anything!!! I'm trying to stick to protein shakes, pureed soft meats like shrimp, tuna, chicken in a can, and veggies and fruits. So far it's working, but I find myself eating a little more and more. That's okay since my band hasn't been filled with saline, the Dr wants to wait until my stomach and the port incision is completely healed before filling the band.
Supposedly, I lost 14 lbs!! But I know that's mainly from being on a restricted liquid diet and that I may actually gain some of that back before losing it again. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the feeling of loose jeans!!
Good news: I have pics! Both inside and out! The Dr took photos with his laparoscope when he was placing the lap band so those will be up soon. I took pics of the incisions only to show you that it really wasn't so bad.
The diet after the lap band operation was simply liquids like protein shakes and soups. My favorites? Trader Joe's has great protein shakes in a can ready to go, with 35 g of protein and 4 g of carbs, and I suggest the chocolate flavor. Trader Joe's also has a variety of soups in a box, with my favorite being the Organic Tomato Soup. They come in a box similar to the UHT or soy milk boxes, very convenient and easy, and now I've hooked the rest of my family on them. We'll probably continue to eat them! At the end of one week, liquids just weren't cutting it for me, I was pretty hungry!
At my week after dr appt, everything looks really good and I was moved to mushy food. So I can eat basically anything I can puree in a blender. Believe me, I can puree almost anything!!! I'm trying to stick to protein shakes, pureed soft meats like shrimp, tuna, chicken in a can, and veggies and fruits. So far it's working, but I find myself eating a little more and more. That's okay since my band hasn't been filled with saline, the Dr wants to wait until my stomach and the port incision is completely healed before filling the band.
Supposedly, I lost 14 lbs!! But I know that's mainly from being on a restricted liquid diet and that I may actually gain some of that back before losing it again. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the feeling of loose jeans!!
Good news: I have pics! Both inside and out! The Dr took photos with his laparoscope when he was placing the lap band so those will be up soon. I took pics of the incisions only to show you that it really wasn't so bad.
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Post Op Update
The surgery was a success.
Everything went great! I arrived at the hospital early after dropping off N at the daycare and my mom and I joked until they gave me the special cocktail. Mom says I was acting like a drunk as I gave her my hearing aids and glasses. I do sort of remember starting to come out of it as they were removing the breathing tube which was a little unpleasant. I was very emotional when I woke up, sobbing very hard and almost uncontrollably, which apparently can be a side effect of some anesthesia types. The most ironic part is I distinctly remember them wheeling me through a hallway that was probably close to the cafeteria, because I was so overwhelmed by the smell of food that all I could think about was how hungry I was!! Maybe they should have removed the smelling portion of my nose while they were at it...
I was able to sip water and suck on ice very soon after surgery, which is an indication that all it well with the band and the placement. That night I was able to stand by myself and walk to the bathroom in my hospital room. Of course, there were a lot of painkillers moving intravenously through my system, so I'm sure that helped. The next afternoon I was home! I was able to walk up the stairs okay. Every day brings huge improvement. I made it to the other side...
Everything went great! I arrived at the hospital early after dropping off N at the daycare and my mom and I joked until they gave me the special cocktail. Mom says I was acting like a drunk as I gave her my hearing aids and glasses. I do sort of remember starting to come out of it as they were removing the breathing tube which was a little unpleasant. I was very emotional when I woke up, sobbing very hard and almost uncontrollably, which apparently can be a side effect of some anesthesia types. The most ironic part is I distinctly remember them wheeling me through a hallway that was probably close to the cafeteria, because I was so overwhelmed by the smell of food that all I could think about was how hungry I was!! Maybe they should have removed the smelling portion of my nose while they were at it...
I was able to sip water and suck on ice very soon after surgery, which is an indication that all it well with the band and the placement. That night I was able to stand by myself and walk to the bathroom in my hospital room. Of course, there were a lot of painkillers moving intravenously through my system, so I'm sure that helped. The next afternoon I was home! I was able to walk up the stairs okay. Every day brings huge improvement. I made it to the other side...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Takeoff!!
This is it. I am packed and ready to go. Only 6 oz of clear liquids until 10:30 am, so I have just a cup of black coffee in my system. Extra strength expresso black gold to keep me going.
I have been overwhelmed by the immense outpouring of good wishes by friends and family. I think everyone understands how important this is to me and what a drastic change it will make in my life. I am hoping that right now this will be the heaviest weight (and most unhealthy) I will ever be for the rest of my life. But I still can't wrap my head around being a normal weight. I can't even imagine being 75 lbs lighter, much less 150.
But today it is not about that. Today is about making sure I tell everyone how much I love them and appreciate the support. Today is about not living in regret. No matter what happens, I can never say I regretted my decisions.
I'll see you on the other side!
I have been overwhelmed by the immense outpouring of good wishes by friends and family. I think everyone understands how important this is to me and what a drastic change it will make in my life. I am hoping that right now this will be the heaviest weight (and most unhealthy) I will ever be for the rest of my life. But I still can't wrap my head around being a normal weight. I can't even imagine being 75 lbs lighter, much less 150.
But today it is not about that. Today is about making sure I tell everyone how much I love them and appreciate the support. Today is about not living in regret. No matter what happens, I can never say I regretted my decisions.
I'll see you on the other side!
Nerves are getting to me!!!
Okay, now I’m getting nervous. Friends are calling and e-mailing me good luck, and that’s making me real nervous. Luckily I’m so hungry, I’m a bit disoriented, so everything is kind of dream-like. I will try to squeeze in one more post tomorrow before leaving for the hospital…
For those REALLY interested, here’s a great video of the operation.
For those REALLY interested, here’s a great video of the operation.
T minus one day!
Tomorrow is the operation. I am getting antsy. I feel like I didn’t get all I wanted to get done. Christmas decorations are still up, for crissakes!!! Laundry is clean, but unfolded. My mom’s flight was delayed, but not too bad. I’ll be going soon to pick her up. Inaru had a blast at Finding Nemo yesterday!!! I always forget how commercial those shows are, but this one wasn’t so bad. The whole underwater theme, the lights, the costumes, the music, the dancing, the skating was all perfect. And the view from the third row from the ice was not bad either. Inaru stayed still and watched the whole thing. It was a perfect family outing. I think it was a little too much for A, but we went for N’s sake, not ours, and I enjoyed watching N enjoy it. Her eyes lit up and she laughed and pointed and “Uh-Oh”-ed and commented.
I feel like I’m surviving on coffee. Coffee and a protein shake. I’m so hungry I’m not even hungry anymore, I’m not sure if you get that. The plus side is without much food in the system, medicines work fast and well. That little Ambien last night had me drowsy in 10 minutes… Ahhh, sleep. I’ve never had a problem sleeping until recently. And sleeping with a mask is not easy, either.
I realize a lot of people have no idea what I’m talking about. For some reason, I forgot to explain that part. I am getting the Lap Band. It is not gastric bypass. It is a removable, reversible, and adjustable band that goes around the upper part of the stomach. It creates a new much smaller pouch that allows you to eat very very little and feel satiated for a much longer time. It is not the magic bullet. It is a tool. I will still have to eat healthy, exercise, and work on my psychological needs for food, although physiologically I will feel full. I have no idea what to expect in weight loss and how fast. Everyone is different. My goal is to be a healthy BMI (Body Mass Index). Hopefully, as I lose weight, my health conditions will improve. Keep in mind I have a BMI now of 56.
I feel like I’m surviving on coffee. Coffee and a protein shake. I’m so hungry I’m not even hungry anymore, I’m not sure if you get that. The plus side is without much food in the system, medicines work fast and well. That little Ambien last night had me drowsy in 10 minutes… Ahhh, sleep. I’ve never had a problem sleeping until recently. And sleeping with a mask is not easy, either.
I realize a lot of people have no idea what I’m talking about. For some reason, I forgot to explain that part. I am getting the Lap Band. It is not gastric bypass. It is a removable, reversible, and adjustable band that goes around the upper part of the stomach. It creates a new much smaller pouch that allows you to eat very very little and feel satiated for a much longer time. It is not the magic bullet. It is a tool. I will still have to eat healthy, exercise, and work on my psychological needs for food, although physiologically I will feel full. I have no idea what to expect in weight loss and how fast. Everyone is different. My goal is to be a healthy BMI (Body Mass Index). Hopefully, as I lose weight, my health conditions will improve. Keep in mind I have a BMI now of 56.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The Pre-Op Oops
I just realized last night I made a big mistake. I misunderstood that the pre-op diet was an Atkins-like diet just with more protein shakes. WRONG! It is a LIQUID PROTEIN diet. As in no cheese and ham and tons of meat, and especially not a bag of fried chicken wings like I’ve eaten this week!! I realized when I was explaining the diet to a friend last night and as I was reading out of the great manual they’ve given me, that it was LIQUIDS only. OOPS. Oh well. Today I’ve been on liquids only, and it hasn’t been so bad because I’ve already weaned myself off the carbs. So I wasn’t feeling so hungry anymore anyway. I hope that in the next three days I’m able to catch up what I didn’t do the last 4 days and that I’m able to shrink my liver enough to give the surgeon enough space to do the operation.
I have been remiss with the exercise. I have not walked 15 minutes every day. But that too I hope to start soon. I am already a little anxious about the waiting. I want it to be Wednesday and in the OR already. Tomorrow we take N to see Finding Nemo On Ice. Her first ever! I am excited for her, although she doesn’t even understand we’re taking her. I know once the show starts she will love it: the lights, the costumes, the music, the dancing. I hope to take lots of pictures.
Some people have asked me if I am nervous about the operation. Not really. I wanted it done yesterday. But I know the minute I step into the hospital and I’m sitting on the bed in my hospital gown, I will panic. I will make jokes with the nurses, I will make faces, it will be all very humorous, but I will panic. I will be completely panicked until the sedation begins, then I will willingly give in to the sleepiness with no reservations and will just feel relieved that I’m going going gone.
I have been remiss with the exercise. I have not walked 15 minutes every day. But that too I hope to start soon. I am already a little anxious about the waiting. I want it to be Wednesday and in the OR already. Tomorrow we take N to see Finding Nemo On Ice. Her first ever! I am excited for her, although she doesn’t even understand we’re taking her. I know once the show starts she will love it: the lights, the costumes, the music, the dancing. I hope to take lots of pictures.
Some people have asked me if I am nervous about the operation. Not really. I wanted it done yesterday. But I know the minute I step into the hospital and I’m sitting on the bed in my hospital gown, I will panic. I will make jokes with the nurses, I will make faces, it will be all very humorous, but I will panic. I will be completely panicked until the sedation begins, then I will willingly give in to the sleepiness with no reservations and will just feel relieved that I’m going going gone.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The Pre-Op Diet
This pre-op diet is killing me!!! Yesterday morning was okay, but at about 2 pm, I started getting migraines. Ahhhh! The pain was intense. It just got worse and worse. I had to go lay down at around 5:30 pm and poor A had to deal with N by himself. I had to get up at 7:30 pm to have the rest of my protein, and the pain was unbearable. I was getting nausea from the pain. I really think it was withdrawal from carbs. The diet consists of more than 70 grams of protein, via protein shakes and powders, and less than 50 grams of carbs. It may sound like a lot, but 50 gr of carbs are nothing. In fact, a cup of soymilk has 10 grams! When you add the protein powder, that’s about 14 grams right there. So I supplemented with cheddar cheese, mozzarella, ham, prosciutto, and shrimp. A bit decadent, no??
I felt handicapped by these migraines. What finally took the edge off was 2 regular Tylenol, 2 Tylenol PMs, and an Ambien. That’s how I was able to get to sleep and some respite from the pain. But I was crying already from the pain.
So this morning, when N got up at 5:30 am crying, I couldn’t take care of her, the sleeping pills were still in my body. Somehow A got me out of bed to comb her hair, which I vaguely remember putting a barrette to the side of the hair while she brushed her teeth. I think.
This morning I awoke with no pain. Yet. I’m very weak and I find it hard to concentrate. All I want to do is lay in bed. But I am not giving up on this diet!! This diet is designed to shrink my organs, especially my liver, to make the operation safer and more effective. The liver is lying right on top of my stomach where they need to work, so this diet shrinks it by 1/3. If not, they could nick my liver, putting me in danger of losing part of it and internal bleeding. It is also to prepare me physically and emotionally for what’s to come. More on that later…
I hope this is the last Valentine’s day I will ever live through at this weight. I hope to be at least 50-75 lbs lighter by next year…
I felt handicapped by these migraines. What finally took the edge off was 2 regular Tylenol, 2 Tylenol PMs, and an Ambien. That’s how I was able to get to sleep and some respite from the pain. But I was crying already from the pain.
So this morning, when N got up at 5:30 am crying, I couldn’t take care of her, the sleeping pills were still in my body. Somehow A got me out of bed to comb her hair, which I vaguely remember putting a barrette to the side of the hair while she brushed her teeth. I think.
This morning I awoke with no pain. Yet. I’m very weak and I find it hard to concentrate. All I want to do is lay in bed. But I am not giving up on this diet!! This diet is designed to shrink my organs, especially my liver, to make the operation safer and more effective. The liver is lying right on top of my stomach where they need to work, so this diet shrinks it by 1/3. If not, they could nick my liver, putting me in danger of losing part of it and internal bleeding. It is also to prepare me physically and emotionally for what’s to come. More on that later…
I hope this is the last Valentine’s day I will ever live through at this weight. I hope to be at least 50-75 lbs lighter by next year…
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Pre-Op Appointment
Well, I did it. Everything got done. I went to Dr. Yang, my primary doctor, and got the operation cleared through him. He wrote the letter and sent my blood tests to Dr. Pinnar.
Today was the pre-operation appt with Dr. Pinnar. I received a “manual” with everything I needed to know before, during, and after the operation. The manual is very upfront about everything, about the NECESSARY changes I need to make, which are NOT optional if I don’t want to be throwing up my food all day and go to the hospital for dehydration. It was very specific, with specific brands of protein listed, websites or stores that sell them, how much to take, shopping lists, chewing exercises, everything. The RN Sue, a very special person to me, talked it over about what to expect, and I asked questions about pain management. Bottom line: take the damn meds if you need them for a few days, and the faster you walk around the faster you heal. The more protein you take, the better you heal. Then Dr. Pinnar saw me one last time, took before pictures (I smiled my ass off, I was so happy!!!), took my weight, and told me I was ready to start the Pre-op diet Feb 13, and operation FEBRUARY 20th!!!!! YES!!!!
I went to Costco and Trader Joe’s and bought some protein shakes and soups and supplies. But I have to write a good shopping list of things I need.
Today was the pre-operation appt with Dr. Pinnar. I received a “manual” with everything I needed to know before, during, and after the operation. The manual is very upfront about everything, about the NECESSARY changes I need to make, which are NOT optional if I don’t want to be throwing up my food all day and go to the hospital for dehydration. It was very specific, with specific brands of protein listed, websites or stores that sell them, how much to take, shopping lists, chewing exercises, everything. The RN Sue, a very special person to me, talked it over about what to expect, and I asked questions about pain management. Bottom line: take the damn meds if you need them for a few days, and the faster you walk around the faster you heal. The more protein you take, the better you heal. Then Dr. Pinnar saw me one last time, took before pictures (I smiled my ass off, I was so happy!!!), took my weight, and told me I was ready to start the Pre-op diet Feb 13, and operation FEBRUARY 20th!!!!! YES!!!!
I went to Costco and Trader Joe’s and bought some protein shakes and soups and supplies. But I have to write a good shopping list of things I need.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Barium, anyone?
I got the Barium swallow done. That was most disagreeable!! It’s an X-ray done while you’re swallowing a chalky liquid. Needless to say, the Chalky Liquid was pretty disgusting. The good thing is the radiologists all know how bad it is and they make you sip only what you have to. So the study was done in 5 minutes. When I went to change into my clothes again, I had chalk all over my lips. Blech! I could taste the chalk all they home. But it was done, D-U-N!!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The First Consultation Appointment
The 23rd of Jan was my first appt with Dr. Pinnar. I got there super early, I met Sue, the RN in charge of seeing the patients. She was awesome. Very personable and informative. I was able to get lots of questions answered about the procedure, before and after. She gave me a list of items I needed to get done and to the office before my next appt which was the pre-operative appt. I needed a psychological evaluation, complete battery of blood tests and letter from my primary doctor clearing me for the operation, and a barium swallow fluoroscopy to check the motility of my esophagus and the condition of my hiatal hernia, which they were gonna fix at the same time!
The Psych eval was not what I expected. It was not just an interview with a psychologist. First of all, the Doctor is in Reston and the procedure will be done at the Reston Hospital Center. That’s about 45 minutes from where I live with no traffic, it’s close to the Dulles Airport. So everything I could get done at the same time was better for me. As soon as I walked out of Dr. Pinnar’s office, I started calling psychologists that were in the area of Reston to beg them to see me that same day. I wanted to save time and gas, and why wait? After a few tries, I found a psych willing to see me that same day! This was definitely a sign that things were working in my favor!
First, there is a specialized standardized test for patients undergoing bariatric operations. I guess someone took the time to study this very particular subset of patients and determine which factors were important for the success of the operation. Anyway, just a lot of questions about feelings, emotions, how I felt about my medical conditions and life in general, very predictable in the way they wanted you to answer. I tried to be truthful. But it’s hard when you know the right answer. That took about an hour, and then the psych met with me personally to gauge my success rate I guess. I barely let him talk! I talked about how excited I was, how I couldn’t wait, how I was pissed at doctors in general for not knowing this procedure would highly benefit me, I talked about eating habits, now and when I was a child. About when I started to gain weight, what I had tried. And that was it! I got it done! I went home feeling productive and that a lot had been accomplished for one day.
The Psych eval was not what I expected. It was not just an interview with a psychologist. First of all, the Doctor is in Reston and the procedure will be done at the Reston Hospital Center. That’s about 45 minutes from where I live with no traffic, it’s close to the Dulles Airport. So everything I could get done at the same time was better for me. As soon as I walked out of Dr. Pinnar’s office, I started calling psychologists that were in the area of Reston to beg them to see me that same day. I wanted to save time and gas, and why wait? After a few tries, I found a psych willing to see me that same day! This was definitely a sign that things were working in my favor!
First, there is a specialized standardized test for patients undergoing bariatric operations. I guess someone took the time to study this very particular subset of patients and determine which factors were important for the success of the operation. Anyway, just a lot of questions about feelings, emotions, how I felt about my medical conditions and life in general, very predictable in the way they wanted you to answer. I tried to be truthful. But it’s hard when you know the right answer. That took about an hour, and then the psych met with me personally to gauge my success rate I guess. I barely let him talk! I talked about how excited I was, how I couldn’t wait, how I was pissed at doctors in general for not knowing this procedure would highly benefit me, I talked about eating habits, now and when I was a child. About when I started to gain weight, what I had tried. And that was it! I got it done! I went home feeling productive and that a lot had been accomplished for one day.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Got the Money!!
I called up my bank and inquired about personal loans. I was approved within 5 minutes. That’s service.
So now I have the money. The only thing standing in my way was time. If I could only get everything done and in place by Feb 15th, I would be a happy camper. I want this done NOW.
So now I have the money. The only thing standing in my way was time. If I could only get everything done and in place by Feb 15th, I would be a happy camper. I want this done NOW.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The worst B-Day EVER
One of my most depressing b-days ever. I went and bought MY OWN CAKE. Sugar free of course. Instead of writing my papers, I spent the day finding doctors that would perform the procedure AND were covered by my insurance. By luck, I found the father of the doctor that gave the seminar is a preferred provider of BCBS. I learned that although the operation was covered mostly by my insurance, there was still a substantial amount out-of-pocket. But I was able to get an appointment for the following week!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Making the Decision
I couldn’t take it anymore. I made my decision today. I was probably the most depressed I had felt in the last 7-9 years. I had just learned I gained 10 lbs because of Christmas, and my sugar levels were not doing well. What really pushed me over the edge and depressed me so much started on December 31st. I needed a CPAP machine and mask to sleep. I had sleep apnea and was not breathing throughout the whole night. On the last day of 2007, I started using the sleep mask. I saw myself, age 32, needing a mask and machine to breathe at night. What else in my body would go wrong by age 40?
My 33rd birthday was the 16th, and I didn’t feel like celebrating. I didn’t want to see people, I didn’t want people to call me and wish me a happy birthday, I didn’t want to hear people ask me what cool plans I had. I had no plans. None. I had papers to write, it was the middle of the week, we both had work, and who would take care of N anyway?
Making the decision felt good; I felt like now I had something to plan. I got back on the website and learned the first step was probably to attend a seminar. I have no idea what they expected me to learn that was not already on the website, but I checked the calendar. There was one that same day. I thought to myself that this was a sign, it was a test of my resolve. If I could make it to that seminar, I could change my life.
Although I don’t usually do things so spontaneously, I decided to go that same night. By myself if I had to. I would have preferred company, but time was running out. So I drove out all the way to Reston.
What did I take away from the seminar? That it was a relatively simple procedure, the biggest obstacle was money. Once I wrapped my head around that fact, everything else surrounding the procedure was simple. I left wanting that procedure done right away. I remember being pissed at the medical profession in general for not suggesting this earlier. I mean, if I knew about this procedure, why didn’t other doctors know? If it was not for my insistence, I would not have made it this far! Did they really expect me to lose 150 lbs by walking 30 minutes every day and eating healthy??? Yes, I was pissed. I felt all this time I was being set up for failure…
My 33rd birthday was the 16th, and I didn’t feel like celebrating. I didn’t want to see people, I didn’t want people to call me and wish me a happy birthday, I didn’t want to hear people ask me what cool plans I had. I had no plans. None. I had papers to write, it was the middle of the week, we both had work, and who would take care of N anyway?
Making the decision felt good; I felt like now I had something to plan. I got back on the website and learned the first step was probably to attend a seminar. I have no idea what they expected me to learn that was not already on the website, but I checked the calendar. There was one that same day. I thought to myself that this was a sign, it was a test of my resolve. If I could make it to that seminar, I could change my life.
Although I don’t usually do things so spontaneously, I decided to go that same night. By myself if I had to. I would have preferred company, but time was running out. So I drove out all the way to Reston.
What did I take away from the seminar? That it was a relatively simple procedure, the biggest obstacle was money. Once I wrapped my head around that fact, everything else surrounding the procedure was simple. I left wanting that procedure done right away. I remember being pissed at the medical profession in general for not suggesting this earlier. I mean, if I knew about this procedure, why didn’t other doctors know? If it was not for my insistence, I would not have made it this far! Did they really expect me to lose 150 lbs by walking 30 minutes every day and eating healthy??? Yes, I was pissed. I felt all this time I was being set up for failure…
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Indecision 2008
Hm, this is a cool quiz. It's supposed to match you up with the current presidential candidates. Of course, I don't know who half of these people are! Try it out.
83% Hillary Clinton
80% Chris Dodd
79% Barack Obama
78% John Edwards
76% Dennis Kucinich
75% Mike Gravel
71% Joe Biden
71% Bill Richardson
50% Rudy Giuliani
40% John McCain
31% Tom Tancredo
30% Mike Huckabee
29% Mitt Romney
25% Ron Paul
17% Fred Thompson
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
83% Hillary Clinton
80% Chris Dodd
79% Barack Obama
78% John Edwards
76% Dennis Kucinich
75% Mike Gravel
71% Joe Biden
71% Bill Richardson
50% Rudy Giuliani
40% John McCain
31% Tom Tancredo
30% Mike Huckabee
29% Mitt Romney
25% Ron Paul
17% Fred Thompson
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
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