The psychology of overeating is that, well, it's never about JUST food. If you eat because you are anxious, why are you anxious? What causes your anxiety? And what can you do about it?
As you can see, I DID go to my first therapy session. And that's what I learned. Some of the causes of anxiety are deep and hidden under years and years of dust. Other causes are recent but just as damaging. I can't imagine anybody going through this whole bariatric process and not addressing their psychological needs. I saw an episode of "Work Out" last night on Bravo, and one of the trainers/masseuse is working one on one with a client that is trying to lose a considerable amount of weight. This (thin and muscular and good-looking) trainer goes to her house to see her in her environment, and ends up throwing out a huge garbage bag full of bad unhealthy food. He sits with her trying to make her understand that her overeating and bad habits are due to anxiety. She (the client) ends up crying and admitting her deep problems with self-esteem. She clearly needs some sort of therapy, and not from a fitness trainer/masseuse.
My therapist (wow! now I have a therapist!!) did not have a red leather couch. She DID have a yellow/creme suede couch and matching real leather chair. So I was close. Ironically, one of the things she has helped me with (in a week) was to better concentrate on school stuff. She suggested I conscientiously keep written To-Do lists and prioritize the items. This sounds stupid and basic, but it works for me. I always keep To-Do lists, but more in my head than on paper. Putting it down and seeing it written makes me want to cross it off. The day I came back from therapy I proposed to write one page of one final. I finished all 5 pages! The next day I proposed to answer one question (2 pages) of one final. I finished all three questions for a total of 6 pages IN ONE DAY! I wish I had started this therapy stuff a lot earlier in the school year, I could have been done with my thesis by now! But everything has its time. I was not ready to face my issues until I realized I had issues when I got the surgery. I would not have had the surgery unless I had gotten fed up with all my conditions, and that would not have happened if I had not been diagnosed with sleep apnea, which would not have happened if I had not gone to the doctor to complain about my headaches, etc etc etc.
I still feel like I wasted so many years of my life and my health. I know I'm being hard on myself, and I can't help it. If I don't have high expectations for myself, who will? Do I strive to be "perfect"? No, I strive to be happy. Sometimes I get happy when I feel a sense of achievement from doing something right.
As for the new fill status of my band, I'm still not happy. I still think I am eating too much. I'm eating about 1/2 to 3/4 cups of food each meal, and I'm still "grazing" between meals. Mostly I snack on slices of cheese and sugar-free popsicles (15 calories a pop!). I will be calling the doctor tomorrow to ask if this is normal or still too much. I also have my next therapist (I have a THERAPIST!) appointment tomorrow, I can't wait. Now I understand why so many people go to therapists, it DOES feel good. You feel a relief of pressure, relief from life weighing you down.
I can't wait to feel lighter because I will finally BE lighter...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
... And Filled Again
I was filled again yesterday.
The nurse had told me that after the initial fill, due to the design of the lapband, after 7-10 days it is possible to feel hungry again. I was just to call and make an appt to fill a little more. This happens because it is a closed system and sometimes small amounts of air get trapped. As the air permeates out of the system, you are left a little less full than when initially filled. I did notice I was starting to eat the same amounts as before I was filled and after the placement of the lapband: not as much as before the surgery, but much more than how the band was supposed to allow me. I was disappointed and frustrated because I wasn't losing as much or as quickly as I wanted to. So I called yesterday and they accomodated me yesterday afternoon.
This time, the fill is done in the office. It was not supposed to hurt. But the doc hit a "stomach nerve" and I started yelling a little bit (well, I AM a big baby, so what?). They had to administer some lidocaine (another needle) in order to continue the fill. This has happened to me when I inject insulin, sometimes you hit nerves, but I go slowly and as soon as I feel it, I pull it out and try another site. The doc just kept the needle there so the nerve was screaming bloody murder. These things happen, I just had the bad luck yesterday it happened to me. Yes, it was a bit traumatizing and I had some bruising, but I survived : )
Initially, I had been filled to 2.2 cc and yesterday's fill brought me up to 2.6 cc. Not a big difference, but enough for me to feel the difference. They gave me water to make sure liquids could go down, and took a bit out when I told them I could feel the water getting a bit stuck. I am back to 48 hrs of liquids, 48 hrs mushy food, and then solids again.
The nurse told me I should not be hungry in the morning when waking up, and that when I do eat, I should get full with half a sandwich. !!! In my life have I been full with half a sandwich! I'm looking forward to it! My goal is to see food as sustenance, not as a pleasure. I don't WANT to enjoy food, I just want to eat what I need to.
I have a theory: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has issues with food. Skinny people, fat people, old people, young people, everyone. Whether it is that sweet tooth, or a late night snack, or hiding snacks, not being honest with themselves about how much they eat, or thinking about food all the time or not at all, or the obsession with organic foods, vegetarianism, you name it, everyone has a THING with food. Most people never have to deal with their issues, they just live and die with them. I have to. I have to deal with every single issue surrounding food if I want this whole project to work out.
Believe me, I did not believe I had SO many issues with food. I knew I had a problem, but I thought getting the lap band would solve most if not all of them. I thought being physically satiated would be the solution. WRONG! True, the hunger is no longer physical. But not being physically hungry allowed me to see I had other levels of food issues. "Why am I looking for something to put in my mouth if I JUST ATE and can't be hungry?" "Why can't I leave food on my plate?" "Why can't I stop when I know I should be full?" "Why am I EATING this if I don't really want to!?"
So I decided I need help. I want to neutralize as many of my issues as possible to ensure long-term success. I have an appt tomorrow with a Psy.D. psychologist for behavior modification. I have never been to a psychologist, but I am open to this. I want to attack each of my issues and pow! pow! get rid of them.
I'm very excited about this! I hope she has a red leather couch and a window, the way I picture all psychologists...
The nurse had told me that after the initial fill, due to the design of the lapband, after 7-10 days it is possible to feel hungry again. I was just to call and make an appt to fill a little more. This happens because it is a closed system and sometimes small amounts of air get trapped. As the air permeates out of the system, you are left a little less full than when initially filled. I did notice I was starting to eat the same amounts as before I was filled and after the placement of the lapband: not as much as before the surgery, but much more than how the band was supposed to allow me. I was disappointed and frustrated because I wasn't losing as much or as quickly as I wanted to. So I called yesterday and they accomodated me yesterday afternoon.
This time, the fill is done in the office. It was not supposed to hurt. But the doc hit a "stomach nerve" and I started yelling a little bit (well, I AM a big baby, so what?). They had to administer some lidocaine (another needle) in order to continue the fill. This has happened to me when I inject insulin, sometimes you hit nerves, but I go slowly and as soon as I feel it, I pull it out and try another site. The doc just kept the needle there so the nerve was screaming bloody murder. These things happen, I just had the bad luck yesterday it happened to me. Yes, it was a bit traumatizing and I had some bruising, but I survived : )
Initially, I had been filled to 2.2 cc and yesterday's fill brought me up to 2.6 cc. Not a big difference, but enough for me to feel the difference. They gave me water to make sure liquids could go down, and took a bit out when I told them I could feel the water getting a bit stuck. I am back to 48 hrs of liquids, 48 hrs mushy food, and then solids again.
The nurse told me I should not be hungry in the morning when waking up, and that when I do eat, I should get full with half a sandwich. !!! In my life have I been full with half a sandwich! I'm looking forward to it! My goal is to see food as sustenance, not as a pleasure. I don't WANT to enjoy food, I just want to eat what I need to.
I have a theory: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has issues with food. Skinny people, fat people, old people, young people, everyone. Whether it is that sweet tooth, or a late night snack, or hiding snacks, not being honest with themselves about how much they eat, or thinking about food all the time or not at all, or the obsession with organic foods, vegetarianism, you name it, everyone has a THING with food. Most people never have to deal with their issues, they just live and die with them. I have to. I have to deal with every single issue surrounding food if I want this whole project to work out.
Believe me, I did not believe I had SO many issues with food. I knew I had a problem, but I thought getting the lap band would solve most if not all of them. I thought being physically satiated would be the solution. WRONG! True, the hunger is no longer physical. But not being physically hungry allowed me to see I had other levels of food issues. "Why am I looking for something to put in my mouth if I JUST ATE and can't be hungry?" "Why can't I leave food on my plate?" "Why can't I stop when I know I should be full?" "Why am I EATING this if I don't really want to!?"
So I decided I need help. I want to neutralize as many of my issues as possible to ensure long-term success. I have an appt tomorrow with a Psy.D. psychologist for behavior modification. I have never been to a psychologist, but I am open to this. I want to attack each of my issues and pow! pow! get rid of them.
I'm very excited about this! I hope she has a red leather couch and a window, the way I picture all psychologists...
Friday, April 11, 2008
Finally Filled!
Today, my good people, I was filled. So I'm full. Or so I hope to be. They finally inflated my lap band so it does what its supposed to do. Keep me from feeling so hungry and make me satiated sooner. Alas. Today, I understood what it is to be psychologically hungry.
I'm on liquids for 48 hours, then soft foods for another 48, then solids on Monday. Even though I know I wasn't hungry, couldn't be hungry, I wanted food. This is what I feared. Because what recourse is there? There's no lap band for the brain, my friend. Not yet anyway. So while my physical stomach is full, my psychological tummy is screaming "feed me!" I'm at a loss here, but I will come back to this problem and let you know how I am dealing with it.
The doctor who filled me today in the OR (a little overkill, I think, to be in an Operating Room just to use a needle similar to my insulin needle and fill me with 2.2 mL of Saline...) under the fluoroscope told me I would be 10 lbs lighter when I see him the next time, in a month. Bless his heart! He better be right! And it better be closer to 15 lbs, dammit! I am making such an effort at this, I don't want to fail.
It's so hard for me to imagine losing even 75 lbs, but at 10 lbs a month, by this time next year I could be 120 lbs lighter. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, so let's just say 75 lbs. I'm happy with 75 lbs off for now.
Thesis Update: I have started. Lo and behold I have about 10 pages written. Only about 60 to go for a bare bones meet-the-requirement-and-graduate thesis. And really, I don't think I'll be winning any awards with this one... Ironically, I am now consumed with all my free time going to writing the thing. I mean, I am DRIVEN. Now, why couldn't this drive have started 3 or 4 months ago?? I could've finished the stupid thing by now!
N update: N is talking so much. Her favorite movie now is happy feet. She says "I want to see Mumble." That's the name of the main penguin. She broke her crib, so we had to get the toddler bed. It was a rough two nights, but now she basically falls asleep by herself IN HER BED after she gets 2 stories read to her. And it takes minutes for her to quiet down versus the HOURS it used to take. AND she has a new trike that I put together for her all by myself! Ahhh, but that's a post in and of itself with photos and everything. You'll see why...
I'm on liquids for 48 hours, then soft foods for another 48, then solids on Monday. Even though I know I wasn't hungry, couldn't be hungry, I wanted food. This is what I feared. Because what recourse is there? There's no lap band for the brain, my friend. Not yet anyway. So while my physical stomach is full, my psychological tummy is screaming "feed me!" I'm at a loss here, but I will come back to this problem and let you know how I am dealing with it.
The doctor who filled me today in the OR (a little overkill, I think, to be in an Operating Room just to use a needle similar to my insulin needle and fill me with 2.2 mL of Saline...) under the fluoroscope told me I would be 10 lbs lighter when I see him the next time, in a month. Bless his heart! He better be right! And it better be closer to 15 lbs, dammit! I am making such an effort at this, I don't want to fail.
It's so hard for me to imagine losing even 75 lbs, but at 10 lbs a month, by this time next year I could be 120 lbs lighter. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, so let's just say 75 lbs. I'm happy with 75 lbs off for now.
Thesis Update: I have started. Lo and behold I have about 10 pages written. Only about 60 to go for a bare bones meet-the-requirement-and-graduate thesis. And really, I don't think I'll be winning any awards with this one... Ironically, I am now consumed with all my free time going to writing the thing. I mean, I am DRIVEN. Now, why couldn't this drive have started 3 or 4 months ago?? I could've finished the stupid thing by now!
N update: N is talking so much. Her favorite movie now is happy feet. She says "I want to see Mumble." That's the name of the main penguin. She broke her crib, so we had to get the toddler bed. It was a rough two nights, but now she basically falls asleep by herself IN HER BED after she gets 2 stories read to her. And it takes minutes for her to quiet down versus the HOURS it used to take. AND she has a new trike that I put together for her all by myself! Ahhh, but that's a post in and of itself with photos and everything. You'll see why...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
