I'm normal, now.
Which means I think I'm a normal size. I can go to almost any store now and find clothes that fit. Well, almost. I still don't see myself as normal, I see myself buying "normal people" sized clothes, almost like I'm an impostor. Like it's not meant for me. I spent so many years begging anything to fit. Now things fit, and it's a matter of finding what looks good.
The biggest change? There's nothing in my closet that fit me last year. Even my underwear are too big. I had to go buy underwear that fit. And pajamas. I had to buy pajamas, size M, SIZE M!!! Even the shoes from last year are too big.
But in my head, I still think I see people looking at me like I'm the "fat girl." It's like I keep waiting for the gig to be up, for the skinny suit to fall off and someone say, "Ha! Just joking! You don't get to be normal any more! Back to your old fat ass!"
I don't know what I see anymore in the mirror. It's like I've changed, but I haven't. Meh. I need a break from it all.
I suppose I'm being ungrateful by complaining. I mean, what a problem to have, all my clothes are too big. Poor me. But believe me, I've done miracles, MIRACLES, to keep myself together throughout this whole process. And keep everything together at home. It's not been easy, my friends. But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I'm here.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
One Year Band Anniversary!
It’s been a year today since my Lap-band operation. What a year. Down 72 lbs and 5 sizes. Up in energy, outlook, goals, dreams, marriage, relationships, work, and everything else.
I think I’ve gone on and on about how wonderful I feel and how much healthier I am, and blah blah blah. The truth is I asked Adal the other day if a year ago I had told him we would be going to the gym together regularly would he have believed me. He said no. And it’s true, I didn’t even think I could do it, much less both of us.
We take it a week at a time. There are weeks where we both go 5 times, and some where he goes 5 and I go 3 times, or vice versa.
Some of my friends have asked where I go from here. Where do I go? Easy, another 70 lbs this year as well. That is my goal for this next year, 70 more lbs. I may not hit it, because it is getting more difficult to lose weight as I go on, but I’m going to try! I want to tone the flab as well. I know I won’t look like Jessica Alba, and I don’t care. I want to look like me, but the best realistic me I can be.
What a year.
I can’t wait to see what I’ll be writing about next year…
I think I’ve gone on and on about how wonderful I feel and how much healthier I am, and blah blah blah. The truth is I asked Adal the other day if a year ago I had told him we would be going to the gym together regularly would he have believed me. He said no. And it’s true, I didn’t even think I could do it, much less both of us.
We take it a week at a time. There are weeks where we both go 5 times, and some where he goes 5 and I go 3 times, or vice versa.
Some of my friends have asked where I go from here. Where do I go? Easy, another 70 lbs this year as well. That is my goal for this next year, 70 more lbs. I may not hit it, because it is getting more difficult to lose weight as I go on, but I’m going to try! I want to tone the flab as well. I know I won’t look like Jessica Alba, and I don’t care. I want to look like me, but the best realistic me I can be.
What a year.
I can’t wait to see what I’ll be writing about next year…
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
On How I Had the Best Weekend Ever, and I Shared it with Obama...
Remember my previous post about throwing my own party? Well, let's say the weekend ended up being better than expected...
I came in to work because, well, I don't mind it. I have lots of friends here at work, and I actually had to get stuff done. My wonderful coworkers took me to lunch at Ruby Tuesday, then later on sang me happy birthday and cut me some cake. They didn't have to, and the fact that they did made me feel appreciated and respected. What more can I want?
On my way home, my bff from far away called me to wish me happy b-day. So imagine my surprise and excitement when I walk into my house and she's sitting on my sofa! I just about had a conniption :) I was so happy! The party was wonderful. I could relax because my best friends were there to help me out with everything, all I had to do was drink and be merry. They even made sure my presents made it home with me and that Adal and I made it up the stairs! AND they drove the babysitter home because we were in no condition to drive... We will be talking about this party for years to come as a merry occasion.
Come Tuesday, inauguration day, I was exhausted from a weekend of friends and guests, and sat down to enjoy the inauguration on my sofa. What a perfect ending, the occasion made my eyes watery from watching all the emotion and drama on tv. And brought me back to when I was a little girl and wanted to be President of the United States...
I came in to work because, well, I don't mind it. I have lots of friends here at work, and I actually had to get stuff done. My wonderful coworkers took me to lunch at Ruby Tuesday, then later on sang me happy birthday and cut me some cake. They didn't have to, and the fact that they did made me feel appreciated and respected. What more can I want?
On my way home, my bff from far away called me to wish me happy b-day. So imagine my surprise and excitement when I walk into my house and she's sitting on my sofa! I just about had a conniption :) I was so happy! The party was wonderful. I could relax because my best friends were there to help me out with everything, all I had to do was drink and be merry. They even made sure my presents made it home with me and that Adal and I made it up the stairs! AND they drove the babysitter home because we were in no condition to drive... We will be talking about this party for years to come as a merry occasion.
Come Tuesday, inauguration day, I was exhausted from a weekend of friends and guests, and sat down to enjoy the inauguration on my sofa. What a perfect ending, the occasion made my eyes watery from watching all the emotion and drama on tv. And brought me back to when I was a little girl and wanted to be President of the United States...
Friday, January 16, 2009
Happy Birthday to Me!
...or, the importance of being D.
Yes, I am throwing my own birthday party tomorrow, complete with catered food, reserved space at a local bar, cake, balloons, a specially-bought dress, and lots of friends. A lot of people have asked me why. Why organize it myself, why pay for others to come, shouldn't it be the other way around, etc. And I have several responses to this.
It is a celebration of life. I refuse to wait for things to happen. I wanted a party this year, so I created it myself. Why keep waiting? MAKE things happen in life, don't be a bystander! This is one of those years I felt like celebrating, that I felt so happy to be alive!
Another reason was a celebration of the huge change from my last birthday. I was really down and sad, and I was 71 lbs heavier last year. I hadn't really started the Lap Band journey yet. I was still "asleep". The change was not so much physical (although it was) as much as emotional and psychological. I didn't feel like celebrating last year and this year I did.
Yet another reason was to celebrate with my friends that they are my friends, a thank you to them. Life is too short and valuable to mind the little stuff, the stuff that doesn't matter. Too often we don't say what we want to the important people in our lives. This is my way to say thank you, to Adal for loving me so much, for my friends for being friends.
And this is me. This is who I am: uber-social, love to hang out with everyone, love to party, know what I like, know what I want, love to host and entertain and make everyone feel special and at ease. I got a kick out of getting everything ready and organizing it!
I'm going to start 2009 off right, with a party for me and my special people! I can't wait!
Yes, I am throwing my own birthday party tomorrow, complete with catered food, reserved space at a local bar, cake, balloons, a specially-bought dress, and lots of friends. A lot of people have asked me why. Why organize it myself, why pay for others to come, shouldn't it be the other way around, etc. And I have several responses to this.
It is a celebration of life. I refuse to wait for things to happen. I wanted a party this year, so I created it myself. Why keep waiting? MAKE things happen in life, don't be a bystander! This is one of those years I felt like celebrating, that I felt so happy to be alive!
Another reason was a celebration of the huge change from my last birthday. I was really down and sad, and I was 71 lbs heavier last year. I hadn't really started the Lap Band journey yet. I was still "asleep". The change was not so much physical (although it was) as much as emotional and psychological. I didn't feel like celebrating last year and this year I did.
Yet another reason was to celebrate with my friends that they are my friends, a thank you to them. Life is too short and valuable to mind the little stuff, the stuff that doesn't matter. Too often we don't say what we want to the important people in our lives. This is my way to say thank you, to Adal for loving me so much, for my friends for being friends.
And this is me. This is who I am: uber-social, love to hang out with everyone, love to party, know what I like, know what I want, love to host and entertain and make everyone feel special and at ease. I got a kick out of getting everything ready and organizing it!
I'm going to start 2009 off right, with a party for me and my special people! I can't wait!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Of Deaths, Surgeries, and finding good in it all...
My grandmother passed away Wednesday, Jan 7, 2009. She was very very ill, and in hospice care at home. It was a long wait as my family watched her deteriorate and struggle in the last weeks. She was my father's mother, Ana Luisa Sanchez. She was very strong-willed, a pain in the ass really, and many times not so nice to people. She was especially rude to my own mother. How ironic that at the end, my grandma ended up having to be grateful, indebted, and dependent on my mother for such basic care such as food, baths, and wiping her ass. Such is family, imperfect, yet we are tied to them forever.
Any other time, I would have rushed to my family's side to provide support, strength, another point of view, just be there as family should. But Inaru's operation was the same day as the wake. Since my grandmother didn't want a funeral per se (I think she suspected people would just congregate and gossip about her), even a short wake was stretching her last wishes. She wanted to be cremated, so my family opted for a viewing of three hours only before cremation. This, I believed, was the best way to go, since it would allow the family some closure in seeing the body lifeless and still, giving the situation an air of finality, as well as provide some time for our extensive family to get together and see each other.
N's operation was a simple one, yet one I was waiting for 3 years. Almost since birth, she's had an umbilical hernia present. I just knew (from mother's instinct maybe?) that it would require surgery to correct, rather than close on its own. Every doctor and surgeon I saw said the same thing: we must wait until she is at least 3 years old to operate. Anything sooner would be an unnecessary risk to her, as well as the possibility for the hernia to re-herniate (is that a word?). So wait we must. She went summers without wearing short tops or bikinis, and everything I put on her was with the aim to diminish the appearance of the hernia. It was very noticeable even over the clothes. It did not bother her, she felt no pain or discomfort, although already at 2, the kids in daycare would point it out and wonder what the heck THAT was. Hernias are very common in children, 25% of all kids have them. Most seem to be hereditary. In fact, right around the same age, I also had a double inguinal hernia corrected. My brother had an umbilical hernia as well, but his closed on its own.
The surgery took about 30 minutes, and it was outpatient (back when I had mine it was not, I believe I stayed overnight). We left the hospital about 4:10 and by about 5:15 she was already asking for food and playing. Kids are incredibly resilient. I did not realize how anxious and expectant I was about getting this operation until everything was over. I am so happy to see N without that huge hideous "outie" belly button. I can't wait to take off the bandage on Sunday and see what the incision looks like. There was a moment in the hospital, after seeing her anesthesized and after getting a quick and anxious bite to eat, as we were walking hurriedly back through the long hallways in Children's National Medical Center in DC to wait for the outcome of the surgery, that I choked up. An honest-to-the-gods scrunch up of the face, an overwhelming emotion of "oh my god we are in the hospital and they are cutting up my little girl" that almost made my heart stop and almost made me grab Adal's arm in panic and fear. Almost. And then it was gone. I put on a brave face for Adal, because he needed it. And then, it was all over.
Because of the surgery, I wasn't able to go home for the short wake. I felt so frustrated to not be there. In the end, the surgery went excellent, Inaru reacted very well, my grandmother's funeral, although short, brought many family members and friends together as only a funeral or a wedding can, and everything worked itself out. I must be seeing the positive side of things lately, because according to my ticker (and my scale), I've lost a total of 70 lbs. I'm halfway there! 70 more to go!
Any other time, I would have rushed to my family's side to provide support, strength, another point of view, just be there as family should. But Inaru's operation was the same day as the wake. Since my grandmother didn't want a funeral per se (I think she suspected people would just congregate and gossip about her), even a short wake was stretching her last wishes. She wanted to be cremated, so my family opted for a viewing of three hours only before cremation. This, I believed, was the best way to go, since it would allow the family some closure in seeing the body lifeless and still, giving the situation an air of finality, as well as provide some time for our extensive family to get together and see each other.
N's operation was a simple one, yet one I was waiting for 3 years. Almost since birth, she's had an umbilical hernia present. I just knew (from mother's instinct maybe?) that it would require surgery to correct, rather than close on its own. Every doctor and surgeon I saw said the same thing: we must wait until she is at least 3 years old to operate. Anything sooner would be an unnecessary risk to her, as well as the possibility for the hernia to re-herniate (is that a word?). So wait we must. She went summers without wearing short tops or bikinis, and everything I put on her was with the aim to diminish the appearance of the hernia. It was very noticeable even over the clothes. It did not bother her, she felt no pain or discomfort, although already at 2, the kids in daycare would point it out and wonder what the heck THAT was. Hernias are very common in children, 25% of all kids have them. Most seem to be hereditary. In fact, right around the same age, I also had a double inguinal hernia corrected. My brother had an umbilical hernia as well, but his closed on its own.
The surgery took about 30 minutes, and it was outpatient (back when I had mine it was not, I believe I stayed overnight). We left the hospital about 4:10 and by about 5:15 she was already asking for food and playing. Kids are incredibly resilient. I did not realize how anxious and expectant I was about getting this operation until everything was over. I am so happy to see N without that huge hideous "outie" belly button. I can't wait to take off the bandage on Sunday and see what the incision looks like. There was a moment in the hospital, after seeing her anesthesized and after getting a quick and anxious bite to eat, as we were walking hurriedly back through the long hallways in Children's National Medical Center in DC to wait for the outcome of the surgery, that I choked up. An honest-to-the-gods scrunch up of the face, an overwhelming emotion of "oh my god we are in the hospital and they are cutting up my little girl" that almost made my heart stop and almost made me grab Adal's arm in panic and fear. Almost. And then it was gone. I put on a brave face for Adal, because he needed it. And then, it was all over.
Because of the surgery, I wasn't able to go home for the short wake. I felt so frustrated to not be there. In the end, the surgery went excellent, Inaru reacted very well, my grandmother's funeral, although short, brought many family members and friends together as only a funeral or a wedding can, and everything worked itself out. I must be seeing the positive side of things lately, because according to my ticker (and my scale), I've lost a total of 70 lbs. I'm halfway there! 70 more to go!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Adieux 2008, Molon Labe 2009!
What a year.
I thought that being a leap year, 2008 would hold some auspicious power to become a great memorable year. Well, it was certainly memorable. It was the year I woke up.
I started living again in 2008. I decided to get the Lap Band operation. I lost close to 70 lbs. I found my mojo. I got a masters degree. I regained the confidence in my talents I lost so long ago. I remembered who I was. I bought clothes I liked. I started wearing heels, again. I achieved clarity of vision, and even more drive. I began my exorcism of personal demons.
Every light has a dark. 2008 saw my grandfather's death and my grandmother's serious health decline. It shed light on a rift between A and I. I realized how much I had to work on having the relationship with N I really wanted. And let's not even begin on how hard it was to follow the instructions for the lap band and that whole journey.
I have high hopes for 2009. Concretely, I have a goal of losing another 70 lbs. I will work on making exercise a part of my life. I want to establish a tighter and more trusting relationship with N. I want to have a better marriage with A. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say more often. I want to have more fun. I want to make more meaningful friendships.
I'm a little nervous about 2009, mainly because I bid on my next assignment in the fall. I have reached the limit on domestic assignments and must go overseas in 2010. I hope to make good choices, and more importantly, I hope the decision-makers don't screw me and do send me somewhere it will be fulfilling for me, for A, and for N.
Molon Labe is a greek phrase that means "Come and get it." That's what the Spartan King Leonidas told King Xerxes at the battle of Thermopylae, the famous battle "300."
So 2009, come and get it. I am definitely ready.
I thought that being a leap year, 2008 would hold some auspicious power to become a great memorable year. Well, it was certainly memorable. It was the year I woke up.
I started living again in 2008. I decided to get the Lap Band operation. I lost close to 70 lbs. I found my mojo. I got a masters degree. I regained the confidence in my talents I lost so long ago. I remembered who I was. I bought clothes I liked. I started wearing heels, again. I achieved clarity of vision, and even more drive. I began my exorcism of personal demons.
Every light has a dark. 2008 saw my grandfather's death and my grandmother's serious health decline. It shed light on a rift between A and I. I realized how much I had to work on having the relationship with N I really wanted. And let's not even begin on how hard it was to follow the instructions for the lap band and that whole journey.
I have high hopes for 2009. Concretely, I have a goal of losing another 70 lbs. I will work on making exercise a part of my life. I want to establish a tighter and more trusting relationship with N. I want to have a better marriage with A. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say more often. I want to have more fun. I want to make more meaningful friendships.
I'm a little nervous about 2009, mainly because I bid on my next assignment in the fall. I have reached the limit on domestic assignments and must go overseas in 2010. I hope to make good choices, and more importantly, I hope the decision-makers don't screw me and do send me somewhere it will be fulfilling for me, for A, and for N.
Molon Labe is a greek phrase that means "Come and get it." That's what the Spartan King Leonidas told King Xerxes at the battle of Thermopylae, the famous battle "300."
So 2009, come and get it. I am definitely ready.
Monday, December 15, 2008
N, 36 months later...
Happy Birthday N! Amor est vitae essentia!
This last weekend was N's B-day weekend. She turns 3 today. 3 years ago all of my priorities, attention, focus, and energy became directed to one little girl. One little screaming, writhing, pooping female Homo sapiens. I couldn't believe people did this all the time, have children and raise them and keep their sanity.
N, I'm learning I can't make you into something you are not. I can't mold you into what I want. Just like you could not turn me into something I am not. Separation starts at birth and grows constantly. I obsess whether every single thing I say to you, make you do, do with you, will harm you or enhance you. I'm still trying to find my way as a mom, trying to fight all harmful stereotypes that people have of perfect mothers. And I'll be honest, I resist it. Because I don't want to be defined as being someone's mom. I am who I am, who also happens to be a mom. We are not perfect. The faster you learn that I'm not, and that I make mistakes just like you, the less disappointments you'll get out of life. Yes, some mothers work, and enjoy what they do, and don't want to stop doing it because they have a baby. They feel they have to come first in order to provide the best emotional lessons they can to their children. Not that I wouldn't chop off my arm for you if I thought that would save you from some horrible experience. But shit happens. Learn to handle it the best way possible. Learn that making the best decisions help you make the most out of sour lemons.
You bring me surprises just like you bring me frustrations. There is not one day that passes that I don't think of something with you in it. Somedays I just want you to not be so difficult, other days I can't wait for you to put your head on my shoulder and give me kisses. Some days you are not nice at all, and those days I spend hours thinking where I went wrong, and what else I could do to teach you to be nice. But some days I'm proud that you don't take crap from anybody and if someone doesn't like you the way you are, tough, they can live with it.
The best part of this B-day weekend with you was sharing it together. You helped me pick out your cake, you chose your balloons, you told me who you wanted at your party. You were much more of an active participant, and guess what, you handled it beautifully. You have impeccable taste, and that comes from your mother...
I've made an effort to make your birthday a completely separate event from Christmas, hence saving you from the "Christmas-baby" curse. But truth is, it's a very chaotic time for me to coordinate everything from Thanksgiving, which every year brings lots of guests, different every year, to your birthday, Christmas, new year's, Three Kings (on Jan 6th), ending with my birthday on Jan 16th. I wish I could split it up and celebrate our birthdays in the summer, when it's warm and there's tons of things to do outside.
N, you're three now. I no longer have a baby, I have a preschooler. If I pass anything on to you before I die, I want you to understand this: you must enjoy life. Even the difficult times have their humor, in their own Murphymistic sort of way. You must cultivate your joie de vivre, because you naturally have it, genetically from me, in order to get the most benefit from this gift. And N, I will help you along the way...
This last weekend was N's B-day weekend. She turns 3 today. 3 years ago all of my priorities, attention, focus, and energy became directed to one little girl. One little screaming, writhing, pooping female Homo sapiens. I couldn't believe people did this all the time, have children and raise them and keep their sanity.
N, I'm learning I can't make you into something you are not. I can't mold you into what I want. Just like you could not turn me into something I am not. Separation starts at birth and grows constantly. I obsess whether every single thing I say to you, make you do, do with you, will harm you or enhance you. I'm still trying to find my way as a mom, trying to fight all harmful stereotypes that people have of perfect mothers. And I'll be honest, I resist it. Because I don't want to be defined as being someone's mom. I am who I am, who also happens to be a mom. We are not perfect. The faster you learn that I'm not, and that I make mistakes just like you, the less disappointments you'll get out of life. Yes, some mothers work, and enjoy what they do, and don't want to stop doing it because they have a baby. They feel they have to come first in order to provide the best emotional lessons they can to their children. Not that I wouldn't chop off my arm for you if I thought that would save you from some horrible experience. But shit happens. Learn to handle it the best way possible. Learn that making the best decisions help you make the most out of sour lemons.
You bring me surprises just like you bring me frustrations. There is not one day that passes that I don't think of something with you in it. Somedays I just want you to not be so difficult, other days I can't wait for you to put your head on my shoulder and give me kisses. Some days you are not nice at all, and those days I spend hours thinking where I went wrong, and what else I could do to teach you to be nice. But some days I'm proud that you don't take crap from anybody and if someone doesn't like you the way you are, tough, they can live with it.
The best part of this B-day weekend with you was sharing it together. You helped me pick out your cake, you chose your balloons, you told me who you wanted at your party. You were much more of an active participant, and guess what, you handled it beautifully. You have impeccable taste, and that comes from your mother...
I've made an effort to make your birthday a completely separate event from Christmas, hence saving you from the "Christmas-baby" curse. But truth is, it's a very chaotic time for me to coordinate everything from Thanksgiving, which every year brings lots of guests, different every year, to your birthday, Christmas, new year's, Three Kings (on Jan 6th), ending with my birthday on Jan 16th. I wish I could split it up and celebrate our birthdays in the summer, when it's warm and there's tons of things to do outside.
N, you're three now. I no longer have a baby, I have a preschooler. If I pass anything on to you before I die, I want you to understand this: you must enjoy life. Even the difficult times have their humor, in their own Murphymistic sort of way. You must cultivate your joie de vivre, because you naturally have it, genetically from me, in order to get the most benefit from this gift. And N, I will help you along the way...
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday, I'm in love...
...with Fridays. The possibilities of the weekend stretch before you. Shopping, friends, play, lazy mornings.
So many things to do this weekend! My thanksgiving plans include lots of people, as always, and there's always tons to do. On the list is getting bedding arrangements ready, decorating the fireplace mantle for Christmas for our annual Christmas shot, getting the Chrismas shot, organizing the basement and garage a bit for the influx of people, and firming up our menu.
I'm feeling a little better with the lapband. I think it's where it needs to be. There's still some discomfort with solid food but I think it will get better. I'm getting some heartburn, but Tums are helping. I'm hoping to see some normal loss in the next few weeks.
I hate to start anything new this time of year because there's no routine. I tried out a gym at one of the buildings in the area. The pros are that equipment is top notch, very few people use it, it has showers, and it's FREE. Cons: far, too difficult to use at lunchtime, can't do it everyday. But I WENT. I WORKED OUT. And I can't believe how well it felt. I hadn't tried exercising since I've lost the bulk of the weight, and I was surprised again by how empowered it made me feel. How exactly it is going to fit into my schedule I haven't quite figured out yet. I have some ideas, but this time of year everything is so crazy. Especially when I want to get N into some activities as well. It's just a crazy time and I doubt it will slow down until inauguration day in January. Still, a little chaos never hurt anybody :)...
So many things to do this weekend! My thanksgiving plans include lots of people, as always, and there's always tons to do. On the list is getting bedding arrangements ready, decorating the fireplace mantle for Christmas for our annual Christmas shot, getting the Chrismas shot, organizing the basement and garage a bit for the influx of people, and firming up our menu.
I'm feeling a little better with the lapband. I think it's where it needs to be. There's still some discomfort with solid food but I think it will get better. I'm getting some heartburn, but Tums are helping. I'm hoping to see some normal loss in the next few weeks.
I hate to start anything new this time of year because there's no routine. I tried out a gym at one of the buildings in the area. The pros are that equipment is top notch, very few people use it, it has showers, and it's FREE. Cons: far, too difficult to use at lunchtime, can't do it everyday. But I WENT. I WORKED OUT. And I can't believe how well it felt. I hadn't tried exercising since I've lost the bulk of the weight, and I was surprised again by how empowered it made me feel. How exactly it is going to fit into my schedule I haven't quite figured out yet. I have some ideas, but this time of year everything is so crazy. Especially when I want to get N into some activities as well. It's just a crazy time and I doubt it will slow down until inauguration day in January. Still, a little chaos never hurt anybody :)...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
With the holidays fast approaching...
Looking back at my last post, I have some updates to report. Almost two weeks after that post, I had to have an unfill. I woke up yesterday morning to get to work tired from not sleeping, gagging several times during the night, coughing, and the last straw, not being able to tolerate even water. These are all telltale signs that the LapBand is too tight. I have not eaten solid foods in about 2 to 3 days. So why was I okay two weeks ago, even blogging about how hungry I felt?
Sometimes when the band is just a little too tight, you're able to down liquids fine, but as you move to mushy foods and then solids, you start irritating a narrow opening. The more irritated, the more swelling, the more narrow it becomes. I'm sure what brought me over the edge was the edema (swelling) one gets prior to the monthly cycle. I must be very close to my ideal tightness, which makes it hard to tweak.
The doctor admitted to me he didn't really think I needed much tightening the last time I came in. Given the symptoms, he readily agreed to take a tinsy bit out, not too much to avoid having to come in too soon. His suggestion was to take it easy and stay on liquids a little bit longer until the edema and irritation goes down a bit, and then I should be okay.
On the up side, I was down 6 lbs from less than 2 weeks ago. This weight loss didn't feel so great because it was from starvation, rather than controlled intake. I would not be surprised if I gained a few back, which is fine, as I rather lose the weight in a healthy manner. Part of my fear of gaining the weight back (and my anal OCD with being tight enough) is that I typically gain about 5-10 lbs if not more around the holidays. In fact, last year, from November to January, is when I gained the last 10-15 lbs that really put me over the edge on my health.
Therefore, I feel the compulsive need to combat those bad eating habits that creep up this time of year when you're with friends and family. I checked out a gym close to work and I'm going to try it at lunch time. No promises, no long-term commitment, just trying it out. But I did buy a brand new pink gym bag... :)
Sometimes when the band is just a little too tight, you're able to down liquids fine, but as you move to mushy foods and then solids, you start irritating a narrow opening. The more irritated, the more swelling, the more narrow it becomes. I'm sure what brought me over the edge was the edema (swelling) one gets prior to the monthly cycle. I must be very close to my ideal tightness, which makes it hard to tweak.
The doctor admitted to me he didn't really think I needed much tightening the last time I came in. Given the symptoms, he readily agreed to take a tinsy bit out, not too much to avoid having to come in too soon. His suggestion was to take it easy and stay on liquids a little bit longer until the edema and irritation goes down a bit, and then I should be okay.
On the up side, I was down 6 lbs from less than 2 weeks ago. This weight loss didn't feel so great because it was from starvation, rather than controlled intake. I would not be surprised if I gained a few back, which is fine, as I rather lose the weight in a healthy manner. Part of my fear of gaining the weight back (and my anal OCD with being tight enough) is that I typically gain about 5-10 lbs if not more around the holidays. In fact, last year, from November to January, is when I gained the last 10-15 lbs that really put me over the edge on my health.
Therefore, I feel the compulsive need to combat those bad eating habits that creep up this time of year when you're with friends and family. I checked out a gym close to work and I'm going to try it at lunch time. No promises, no long-term commitment, just trying it out. But I did buy a brand new pink gym bag... :)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Feels like a Setback
I am so anxious. I got a fill on Monday, less than 2 weeks apart from the previous one. And I'm so hungry. Not like before the surgery, but I am gripped with terror about gaining one ounce back. I also have this fear about winter. Winter is when everyone gains weight. But I refuse to succumb, not after I've experienced how well I feel. I will need to make another appointment, only this one will be in the hospital center instead of the doctor's office. After several months, they like to take a better look at the band by x-ray.
I know I have to start exercising regularly. I know I need something more than "shopping" as an exercise activity on the doctor's form. My resistance is purely psychological. I used to think of myself as the one on the sidelines with a cigarette and a drink, not the one actually doing exercise. But I know my time has come. That I must overcome the mental barriers to health. To recognize that there are no valid excuses. That people exercise in the heat, in the cold, in the mornings, at noon, in the afternoon, with kids, with dogs, when they're tired, when they're on vacation, on days off, on busy days, and so on. Think of an excuse and I will find a way around it. Except to actually do it. I can't find why. I have searched inwardly and don't know why I'm so resistant to it. Especially since eventually I will have to do something.
I think a part of me doesn't want to be seen as one of "those people." You know, those people who are uber healthy, pencil-thin, vegan, sip non-fat lattes, go hiking on the weekends with their yellow labs, eat an apple for lunch, take their kids to baby yoga in their expensive $800 Bugaboo strollers, you know what I mean. But who cares??? Who really cares what others think? As long as I'm healthy and happy, doesn't that trump whatever I think others are thinking? And what's wrong with being "those people" if that's what makes them happy? Who am I to judge? Is it a fear of being one of "those people" or is it a fear of NOT being able to be one of them? Do I fear an exclusivity that doesn't exist? Who knows!! I really don't have the answer to this one, but this is part of the purpose of writing here, to work things out in my mind as I write. You just have the privilege of evidencing my mental diarrhea...
This brings me to my one to-do item today. To check out a gym close to work. There is a discount for DoS employees. So here I go. No promises, just baby steps...
I know I have to start exercising regularly. I know I need something more than "shopping" as an exercise activity on the doctor's form. My resistance is purely psychological. I used to think of myself as the one on the sidelines with a cigarette and a drink, not the one actually doing exercise. But I know my time has come. That I must overcome the mental barriers to health. To recognize that there are no valid excuses. That people exercise in the heat, in the cold, in the mornings, at noon, in the afternoon, with kids, with dogs, when they're tired, when they're on vacation, on days off, on busy days, and so on. Think of an excuse and I will find a way around it. Except to actually do it. I can't find why. I have searched inwardly and don't know why I'm so resistant to it. Especially since eventually I will have to do something.
I think a part of me doesn't want to be seen as one of "those people." You know, those people who are uber healthy, pencil-thin, vegan, sip non-fat lattes, go hiking on the weekends with their yellow labs, eat an apple for lunch, take their kids to baby yoga in their expensive $800 Bugaboo strollers, you know what I mean. But who cares??? Who really cares what others think? As long as I'm healthy and happy, doesn't that trump whatever I think others are thinking? And what's wrong with being "those people" if that's what makes them happy? Who am I to judge? Is it a fear of being one of "those people" or is it a fear of NOT being able to be one of them? Do I fear an exclusivity that doesn't exist? Who knows!! I really don't have the answer to this one, but this is part of the purpose of writing here, to work things out in my mind as I write. You just have the privilege of evidencing my mental diarrhea...
This brings me to my one to-do item today. To check out a gym close to work. There is a discount for DoS employees. So here I go. No promises, just baby steps...
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