It's a flurry of activity around me. Tomorrow is halloween, so N's costume has to be prepared, bagged, and ready to go to school. Fall photos came in as well, so a check needs to be written to pay for pics that our families will throw into a drawer somewhere. I have several important projects and taskers at work that are slowly spiralling into one big ball of wax. Next week there is a major meeting with colleagues and bosses that needs coordination, as well as wardrobe attention. I'm trying to plan something fun for this Saturday for A and I and several work friends, but I keep running into snags.
In the middle of all this, I'm hungry. I haven't felt this way in a while. It seems that the last loss of 8 lbs and the small fill of .2 cc combined to give me an unsatisfactorily small and insignificant tightening. So now I have to go back on Monday for another fill. These fill appts are not close, they imply driving 45 minutes one way, as well as taking off of work because appt hours are early. To tell you the truth, I'd rather go more often rather than risk being overfilled, like what happened to me not too long ago. That was a miserable week and a half. Of course, I am anxious because I am hungry (wow, what a change! It used to be I was hungry BECAUSE I was anxious...) and don't want to gain a single ounce back that I've already lost. I'm afraid of gaining any weight back. I've tried to think back and sincerely cannot remember the last time I was at this weight and size. I believe it was over 9 years ago, possibly 10.
13 or 14 years ago (wow, that long??) I was at a healthy weight. Curvy, but healthy. Several things happened that precipitated the gain, but mostly it was hormonal and medical. I always characterized it as a personal flaw, a faulty characteristic of my being, a demonstration of my imperfection. I always thought it was my fault. If I was a better person, more ambitious, less lazy I would be rewarded with thinness and by consequence, health. If I would only run 20 miles a day, I could attain wellness. How wrong to think that everything was my fault. How very wrong. And how dare people preach to me if I only did this or that I would be better off. How dare they.
I guess I have it easy. All I have to do is lose a little weight. But what about those people who have no compassion? Have no common sense? Those that are unkind, and prejudiced, and ignorant? What medical procedure exists to cure someone of stupid? What treatment is there for selfishness or self-importance? How do you make a fake pompous person better? There you have it. But in this society there is no greater evil than to be fat. No more undesirable trait than to be overweight. Missing an arm is better than having flab. We allow others to make fun of and say cruel things to obese people, but would consider it in bad taste to make fun of those with handicaps or special needs.
So far I have lost a total of 61 lbs from the beginning of the process. And to think I probably have about 80 lbs more to go to reach a healthy BMI. I'm sure I will be happy losing a lot less than 80 lbs. But maybe not. Maybe I will feel so close to my goal that I will continue to push for the last stretch. Right now, that moment feels so far away, although much closer than just 2 months ago.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Walking on a little Sunshine
I had a Lap Band appointment yesterday. It was sorta routine and sorta to be evaluated for a fill. I didn't think I was losing too much since the last adjustment, although emotionally was feeling awesome. So imagine my surprise when at my weigh-in I weighed 8 lbs less! This was really the first time I felt I was seeing concrete results. In fact, it's a little frustrating since I seem to lose it in spurts. After discussing with my Dr. how I was feeling and how much I was eating and when, we decided to give another 0.2 cc a shot. And so far, it's not bad. I will probably need another 0.2 in another week or 2 weeks.
Imagine my shock when I went down yet another size (from 18 to 16). I am now, if not at, then LESS than what I weighed at my wedding over 9 years ago! I wasn't completely convinced this was working, but now I believe it. Man, do I believe it. It is very scary for me. It changes just about everything in your life.
It has changed the way I walk, the way I shop, the way I talk to people, the way I think, the way I raise my daughter, the way I am a wife, how I work, how I play, how I want to take advantage of what life has to offer. I can't imagine what it will feel like when I lose 50 more lbs, but I can't wait...
Imagine my shock when I went down yet another size (from 18 to 16). I am now, if not at, then LESS than what I weighed at my wedding over 9 years ago! I wasn't completely convinced this was working, but now I believe it. Man, do I believe it. It is very scary for me. It changes just about everything in your life.
It has changed the way I walk, the way I shop, the way I talk to people, the way I think, the way I raise my daughter, the way I am a wife, how I work, how I play, how I want to take advantage of what life has to offer. I can't imagine what it will feel like when I lose 50 more lbs, but I can't wait...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
On Rediscovering the Joy of Shopping
Wow. You will not believe what I just bought. Actually, I have been wearing 2-in heels for a while. And have been at work all day and been quite comfortable. But today. My people, today I bought my first 4-in heels. I felt so good in them. I really don't think I will be able to wear them all day, so I must bring low shoes to change into. But wow.
I've always wanted high leather boots. So I bought a pair of those, too. WOW! Love those too! I feel that all I need is a whip and that I might be ready for Halloween.
I now fit into XL blouses and shirts. WOW. I have a lot of lolas, so I'm not surprised that I'm not smaller. Hopefully those will go down, too, but not too much. I'm still bottom heavy, but don't know what to do about that.
Remember I mentioned the change in hormones and how it affected my perfumes? Well, I went back to Elizabeth Arden 5th Avenue. The original, not the updates they've come out with lately. It smells awesome! But I just can't believe how even perfumes are affected by me.
And I'm still embarrassed. Embarrassed that people will see my flaws, my love handles, my big ass. Embarrassed to take pictures full length although I love headshots. Embarrassed of the comments some people have made that they have noticed I have lost weight. Yet the other day I had a successful meeting at work, and felt I was floating, literally floating, and almost ran the whole way back up the hill to my building. I felt people looking at me, not in a bad way, but that somehow they could see I was on a high, I was in the clouds I was up so high. I think they were surprised of the amount of energy emanating from me. I can't remember the last time I ever felt that way. Maybe because I have never felt this way.
The clothes are not the end to the means. It is about how they make you feel. For years I have hated shopping. Now I am slowly rediscovering the joy of feeling good...
I've always wanted high leather boots. So I bought a pair of those, too. WOW! Love those too! I feel that all I need is a whip and that I might be ready for Halloween.
I now fit into XL blouses and shirts. WOW. I have a lot of lolas, so I'm not surprised that I'm not smaller. Hopefully those will go down, too, but not too much. I'm still bottom heavy, but don't know what to do about that.
Remember I mentioned the change in hormones and how it affected my perfumes? Well, I went back to Elizabeth Arden 5th Avenue. The original, not the updates they've come out with lately. It smells awesome! But I just can't believe how even perfumes are affected by me.
And I'm still embarrassed. Embarrassed that people will see my flaws, my love handles, my big ass. Embarrassed to take pictures full length although I love headshots. Embarrassed of the comments some people have made that they have noticed I have lost weight. Yet the other day I had a successful meeting at work, and felt I was floating, literally floating, and almost ran the whole way back up the hill to my building. I felt people looking at me, not in a bad way, but that somehow they could see I was on a high, I was in the clouds I was up so high. I think they were surprised of the amount of energy emanating from me. I can't remember the last time I ever felt that way. Maybe because I have never felt this way.
The clothes are not the end to the means. It is about how they make you feel. For years I have hated shopping. Now I am slowly rediscovering the joy of feeling good...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Letter to a Younger Me
Hello younger me. I've learned some things about you I want to share with you. This will make your life easier, so I hope you'll take this seriously
1. Don’t be so willing and in a rush to be responsible because once you’ve got it there’s no letting it go.
2. Always remember how fun it is to live life how you want it.
3. Don’t be so sure that others know where happiness lies, because they probably don’t.
4. You have lots to teach others.
5. Other people don’t overanalyze everything, so no reason why you should.
6. Sometimes doing the right thing is not the right thing for you.
7. So what if your over-brimming personality is so very different from others, don’t think it’s a bad thing.
8. You don’t have to try to make everyone your friend and keep them pleased, you can still disagree with them and they won’t hate you.
9. You are stronger than you think, and can do things you didn’t believe you could.
10. There’s nothing wrong with working for what you want.
11. Some people DO appreciate what you do.
12. Live like no one has to approve or validate what you do, there is no test to pass.
13. Say exactly what you mean, don’t expect others to infer what you want.
14. You are more honest than a lot of people, and some people can appreciate that.
15. You are intuitive with others’ feelings, trust that gut.
16. The more you think you know, the less you really know.
17. No one is perfect, including you, accept it and move on.
18. Face your fears and they will disappear.
19. There is a part in everyone, including you, that defies logic and is uncontrollable. It’s okay to not be in control.
20. You are a natural leader, don’t be afraid to take on the role because of what people might think.
21. Don’t wait to tell people how you feel, it might be too late if you wait.
22. Don’t waste the good moments in life, they pass much too quickly.
23. Be present, live in the now, plan for later.
24. Sunsets are beautiful and should be shared.
25. Beaches are your weakness.
26. You are not as tough as you think, you are the gentlest person you know.
27. You constantly do stuff for other people, but most times it is not reciprocated so don’t feel bad.
28. Buy more stylish clothes and shoes with higher heels, not for the material aspect but for the way it makes you feel.
29. You catch on to things very quickly, you are an extremely fast learner, so don’t worry if you don’t know how to do everything at the moment.
30. Remember those little girl feelings? Yeah, they never go away, you don’t ever quite grow up all the way.
31. And it’s okay to have secrets, you don’t have to tell everyone everything about yourself.
See you soon.
1. Don’t be so willing and in a rush to be responsible because once you’ve got it there’s no letting it go.
2. Always remember how fun it is to live life how you want it.
3. Don’t be so sure that others know where happiness lies, because they probably don’t.
4. You have lots to teach others.
5. Other people don’t overanalyze everything, so no reason why you should.
6. Sometimes doing the right thing is not the right thing for you.
7. So what if your over-brimming personality is so very different from others, don’t think it’s a bad thing.
8. You don’t have to try to make everyone your friend and keep them pleased, you can still disagree with them and they won’t hate you.
9. You are stronger than you think, and can do things you didn’t believe you could.
10. There’s nothing wrong with working for what you want.
11. Some people DO appreciate what you do.
12. Live like no one has to approve or validate what you do, there is no test to pass.
13. Say exactly what you mean, don’t expect others to infer what you want.
14. You are more honest than a lot of people, and some people can appreciate that.
15. You are intuitive with others’ feelings, trust that gut.
16. The more you think you know, the less you really know.
17. No one is perfect, including you, accept it and move on.
18. Face your fears and they will disappear.
19. There is a part in everyone, including you, that defies logic and is uncontrollable. It’s okay to not be in control.
20. You are a natural leader, don’t be afraid to take on the role because of what people might think.
21. Don’t wait to tell people how you feel, it might be too late if you wait.
22. Don’t waste the good moments in life, they pass much too quickly.
23. Be present, live in the now, plan for later.
24. Sunsets are beautiful and should be shared.
25. Beaches are your weakness.
26. You are not as tough as you think, you are the gentlest person you know.
27. You constantly do stuff for other people, but most times it is not reciprocated so don’t feel bad.
28. Buy more stylish clothes and shoes with higher heels, not for the material aspect but for the way it makes you feel.
29. You catch on to things very quickly, you are an extremely fast learner, so don’t worry if you don’t know how to do everything at the moment.
30. Remember those little girl feelings? Yeah, they never go away, you don’t ever quite grow up all the way.
31. And it’s okay to have secrets, you don’t have to tell everyone everything about yourself.
See you soon.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Full Moon
With 53 lbs less, I feel my body changing. My body chemistry is different, whereas now my favorite perfumes just smell different. Not bad, but the scents are just not as strong on me as before. I feel my hormone levels changing, becoming more sensitive to other factors, such as menstrual cycles, temperature, weather, humidity, etc. It seems like my body is trying to equalize/regulate these new hormone levels. Belly fat is notorious for helping to increase estrogen levels, and I imagine in the reverse, the loss of belly fat increases testosterone levels. I feel more driven, more energetic, more aggressive but in a productive way, very difficult to explain.
A couple of months ago, as I was approaching a menstrual cycle, I felt an uncontrollable urge, literally could not stop myself, from buying chocolate and savoring the taste of cocoa. This had not happened to me in years! Many many years. It was the uncontrollable-ness of the urge that scared me.
And I was feeling weird this week. Maybe it was the fact that A and N went to PR for a week (another long story reserved for another post) and I'm by myself. Or that I actually have time for me, and went on a well-deserved and necessary shopping spree. Or that I'm having fun with my free time this week and doing a million little things for myself. Of course I miss them, but I will see them soon. It's not like they're gone for such a long time.
Or maybe this is my vacation from being mom, wife, boss, planner. This is my week to rediscover that I still have an identity all by myself, I don't have to compromise who I feel I am when I am other things as well.
My theory is that it is the full moon that has me like this. I feel it pulling and tugging on my innards, like a wake-up call to life. The moon is so large in the sky, feels so close and engorged, that I feel the connection straight through my spine. Something is changing, and I don't know where it's taking me yet...
A couple of months ago, as I was approaching a menstrual cycle, I felt an uncontrollable urge, literally could not stop myself, from buying chocolate and savoring the taste of cocoa. This had not happened to me in years! Many many years. It was the uncontrollable-ness of the urge that scared me.
And I was feeling weird this week. Maybe it was the fact that A and N went to PR for a week (another long story reserved for another post) and I'm by myself. Or that I actually have time for me, and went on a well-deserved and necessary shopping spree. Or that I'm having fun with my free time this week and doing a million little things for myself. Of course I miss them, but I will see them soon. It's not like they're gone for such a long time.
Or maybe this is my vacation from being mom, wife, boss, planner. This is my week to rediscover that I still have an identity all by myself, I don't have to compromise who I feel I am when I am other things as well.
My theory is that it is the full moon that has me like this. I feel it pulling and tugging on my innards, like a wake-up call to life. The moon is so large in the sky, feels so close and engorged, that I feel the connection straight through my spine. Something is changing, and I don't know where it's taking me yet...
Monday, October 6, 2008
When there's an up, there's usually a down
Soon after my last post, I had some difficulty with the lap-band. For about two weeks I was able to eat very very little, much less than recommended. Most of you will think, "Well, Duh! Isn't that the point? Eat a lot less to lose weight?" Incorrect. When you eat too little you go into starvation mode, and then have very little energy to get around, and even less energy to make good eating choices.
I was not tolerating hardly any food at all, not sleeping well, vomiting every day at least once, getting very little rest at night, and not energetic at all. In fact, I thought I was sick. I put up with it so long (2 weeks) because I thought if I could just make it a little longer, I would lose more weight and the band would not be so tight. But after two weeks of pain, hunger, discomfort, and general malaise, I'd had enough. The last straw was choking and gagging the night before, to the point that I had not gotten any sound sleep.
I knew I was too tight. I knew it and resisted it, because I didn't want the doctor to remove any fluid. When I called, of course the nurse said come in right away. So I made an emergency trip to Reston, Va to get some fluid taken out of the band.
There was immediate relief, I felt like someone had released all the pressure in my chest and taken off the 50lb weight. The doctor only removed .2 cc (ml), still leaving .2 cc that he had injected the last time. So I was restricted, but not overtight. Now I know what it feels like to be too tight, and the relief that comes when you have it at just the right level.
The clincher was that I had lost 9 lbs in 2 weeks, way too much than the recommended 1-2 lbs per week. Which makes my total weight loss, people, to about 53 lbs!!! This is a major milestone! I've lost over 50 lbs! If I feel this great now, I can't even visualize what 50 more lbs will feel like...
I was not tolerating hardly any food at all, not sleeping well, vomiting every day at least once, getting very little rest at night, and not energetic at all. In fact, I thought I was sick. I put up with it so long (2 weeks) because I thought if I could just make it a little longer, I would lose more weight and the band would not be so tight. But after two weeks of pain, hunger, discomfort, and general malaise, I'd had enough. The last straw was choking and gagging the night before, to the point that I had not gotten any sound sleep.
I knew I was too tight. I knew it and resisted it, because I didn't want the doctor to remove any fluid. When I called, of course the nurse said come in right away. So I made an emergency trip to Reston, Va to get some fluid taken out of the band.
There was immediate relief, I felt like someone had released all the pressure in my chest and taken off the 50lb weight. The doctor only removed .2 cc (ml), still leaving .2 cc that he had injected the last time. So I was restricted, but not overtight. Now I know what it feels like to be too tight, and the relief that comes when you have it at just the right level.
The clincher was that I had lost 9 lbs in 2 weeks, way too much than the recommended 1-2 lbs per week. Which makes my total weight loss, people, to about 53 lbs!!! This is a major milestone! I've lost over 50 lbs! If I feel this great now, I can't even visualize what 50 more lbs will feel like...
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